enter your code.

goodbye and good riddance.

2006-08-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

i've moved. it's been nigh 300 posts here, and i think it's time for a breath of fresh air.

see ya there soon.

section training.

2006-08-09T11:33:00.000+08:00

bang bang.

CONTACTED! this sat 9.30am at SDC paintball.

don't be late, or else..

and we grope around, only to have our hands slashed.

2006-08-06T19:08:00.000+08:00

16 km. water confidence jump.

despite the massive block leave i have, from tuesday afternoon till sunday, i'm at a low. desperately needing something to lift my spirits. maybe the windsurfing during the block leave will help. please, someone gimme some good news, anyone, anything.

ah fuck, who am i kidding?

sweetest goodbye.

2006-08-03T20:15:00.000+08:00

i blew it. ah well, fuck the army.

i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away.
will i find out who i am, too late to change.

_{wish i could be, everything you ever wanted.}

when flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you.

2006-07-30T11:07:00.000+08:00

grandslam + wanderer next week. time for some fun revisiting tekong.

i get it now. kinda, well, anyway thanks to my platoon mate reasoning things out with me. it's not you, but the phantom idea of what could have been that i'm chasing. i'm sorry for dragging this on for so long. was chasing the idea of a lover, not the lover herself. i guess you can come out of hiding now. someone told me in army, before you get into a relationship, get yourself sorted out first, because a relationship ain't going to make everything fine and dandy. so i'm going to do just that.

on another note, i'm jealous of my new platoon commander's car. i waaaannttttt my own mazda rx 8.

leader of 6 men to set the pace.

2006-07-23T08:51:00.000+08:00

whew. sorry for no update during the 4th week. anyway, the 5th week's over, and we're starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel we call BSLC. it's been really fun so far, i'm already starting to dread the time when we will get split up after our posting comes out. my section mates, you guys rock man: ivan, poh huat, dragon baby a.k.a. wen yu, mr kuang, li hang, alex, aman, ci yuan.

i know this seems pretty boring to read though; i have no absolute idea why you're here reading this. either you're a close friend wanting to keep up with the jonesus, or you're just blog hopping too bored to notice that entry after entry just describes my army life so far. nothing much i can do to remedy that though, it's not as if army gives me a chance to have a social life, except maybe with the crickets and mosquitoes in the various jungles i've bashed, proned, ran, squatted, kneeled, sat in.

5th week of BSLC. outfield is in full swing, and will only get worse as the next two weeks go by. section quick attack, immediate charge, immediate ambush, fire movement and various other section drills have been conducted so far. we've section deliberate ambush next week. actually sounds pretty fun to play army boy, carrying a heavy load and a gun to pretend to ambush and contact enemies. though the apparent cost of such fun so far are numerous insect bites, scratches where i proned on rocks and blue black knees from kneeling most of the time when not moving.

this week we had another ippt test, outfield, then soc test, then more outfield. i got my gold already so i didn't have to take the ippt test, but i took it anyway, to motivate and encourage my section to make gold too. (pst, ivan when are you gonna treat me dinner huh?) then came the outfield, which was not too bad still. soc on friday was worrying though. my previous trial test got me 9:42 and a fail cause i failed low rope. this time though i managed to pass all the obstacles except swaying bridge on the first try, and managed a timing of 9:32. although i passed the SISPEC requirement of 10:30, i didn't make the OCS standard of 9:30. and i was so close too. so was pretty miffed at that. must have been the stupid swaying bridge.

chemical defence lessons next week, followed by more outfield, battlecourse test then section live firing. should be fun. and tiring. and i've early book out next week! yay, sat morning book outs, here i come!

cya guys. take care.

wasteland.

2006-07-08T15:05:00.000+08:00

3rd week. SISPEC.

it's still alright here. slowly they're putting on more pressure and increasing the rigours of training, but it's still at a level which i can cope with. the training program's getting more and more fucked up each week though. we used to complain when we had SOC and running training or IPPT one day after another. this week, we had outfield navigation practical test, followed by IPPT, followed by SOC, followed by 5BX with run (P.S. the run is at a speed which can kill you. not easy to run 2.4 in the morning with a minimum timing of 10 mins and below). next week things will become even more fun.

Monday - Ability Group Run (long distance continuous run). Strength training CPT 1, 2 and 3 with dumb bells. Navigation Exercise Gypsy 1 in Lower Mandai till late night.

Wednesday - Speed Training Run, 60-120 sprints. Strength training CPT 1, 2 and 3 with dumb bells. Navigation Exercise Gypsy 2 in Lower Mandai till late night.

Thursday - Live range.

Friday - SOC.

As you can see, pretty cool trainign program there. But don't worry, it'll get better in the weeks to come with Nutcracker, field camp and all that crap. =)

oh and i got my IPPT Gold. 9:37 timing, 234 cm for SBJ. whew. that's an achievement which i'm pretty damn proud of.

aight, gtg. i've weekend duty as company duty trainee on sunday, sitting by the company line answering phone calls. yeah. life sucks.

2006-07-02T18:56:00.000+08:00

2nd week of sispec. here i am.

1) 9:49 for 2.4 run. my fittest ever. 230 for SBJ, my farthest ever jump. nearer than ever to my IPPT gold. hence that'll be a goal to work towards. wish me luck on tuesday for my test.

2) SOC, now can do all obstacles including the goddamned low rope. it's all about technique and mental. grin and bear it.

3) i resolve to do my best in SISPEC. where i go, i will not bother much. cross over, or remaining a spec to me is immaterial. what's important is the 110% you put into training.

4) i resolve to forget that i have CDT duty on sunday and that i'll most likely burn my weekend doing it only booking out for a couple hours next weekend. nevermind, all in the name of duty.

5) i resolve to forget you.

6) i resolve to get stronger, physically and mentally.

prove to you people what i can do. it's really pissing me off, constantly being at the bottom. now that i've a chance to get near the top, i'll show you. just. wait.

they're coming to get me.

2006-06-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

_{Wait dear, a white horse is walking down my street here,
Your words are creeping at my feet
I fear, sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear
Into the haze of this city and go south...

Look out, they're coming after us with big guns,
They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done
Even if the words they say aren't true, they've won,
And I'm left here dyin' in the sun

Oh...seems like I'm always on my own,
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my...
All the stars and boulevards ain't close enough for you...

Late nights, won't do me justice
Cause when I drink...I just get so damn depressed,
And it's...
It's not like, I ain't trying to get over you.
It's just hard to look at all the seasons, pass me over too...}

so it's SISPEC for me. we'll see what will come outta this posting. see if can crossover, if can't then pray for a good posting after BSLC. just gotta mix well with others, train hard, and have fun. as much fun as SISPEC will allow me to have. and wait and see what happens.

you know what they say? SISPEC: Suffer In Silence Plus Endless Confinement. suddenly the lyrics "seems like i'm never coming home" doesn't seem so simple anymore heh.

ever chased after a phantom? you never know what you're chasing, why you're chasing, who you're chasing. ahhh ramblings of a confused mind.

all the stars and boulevards

2006-06-15T23:31:00.000+08:00

tryin' to be misunderstood, but it doesn't do me any good

it still gets me. i realise. after a year and nine months. *cue in yellowcard music* no excuses, i won't apologise for this. but dang. sucks to feel this.

no way around it at all? maybe.

maybe not.

post-bmt.

2006-05-27T23:48:00.000+08:00

8th week of BMT next week. i didn't make marksman cause of the night shooting. so damn difficult. ah well. soon, it'll all be over. looking back, it seems just yesterday we were all blur and reporting to BMTC for the first time. all the shit we went through, the tekan, the physical training, the shagged out days, the rare days of lectures and admin time, the route marches, the field camp, trench digging, situational test, live range, ippt tests, all are just drawing to a close. now i know what they meant when they said the enhanced batch of recruits have a short BMT, only 8 weeks long. the friendships we've formed have just begun to take form, and now, after a week and a half, we'll be split up again. some have dropped out of training along the way, they'll be downgraded in terms of PES status and end up as clerks or storemen. some will be posted as men to units, especially those who have indicated they do not wish to become commanders. the rest, will go to command school. some will be posted to OCS, majority will be posted to SISPEC.

i managed a IPPT silver. i've been improving, at least physically. i started out with about 5 pull ups when i entered BMTC, now i can do 13. i used to run a 12 min 2.4 km run before BMT, and now i've managed to break the 10 min mark, hitting 9:55. i'm sure i can shave off more from that timing. i somehow scrapped through a broad jump of 225cm to manage the bare minimum of silver, an improvement from my initial 216cm of a pass standard.

physically i'm getting there. but mentally? i've gotta question that, cause in army it ain't the physical that gets you through the shit. more often than not, you'll reachyour physical limit. that's when the mental power takes over. and i'm sorely lacking in that. only hope that if i make command school, hopefully OCS, my mental strength will become stronger in order to survive training.

i guess i always say i couldn't care less. that i couldn't be bothered with such stuff. that it doesn't affect me, after so many times, time and again, observing my friends and how they've managed to find ____. but you and i both know that's a lie.

mental strength, donovan. mental strength.

fuck it.

time to hit the road.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego

status report.

2006-05-21T15:34:00.000+08:00

yeah. life is pretty good. got my letters from SMU and NUS. so i guess its SMU for me. always prefered it anyway. i know i'm gonna be leaving alot of friends behind though; most of them are going the NUS route. well, we always knew our paths would separate one day yeah.

i stepped on my glasses in field camp. net result, for two weeks i've been looking through lopsided, bent and scratched glasses. and overpowered degree, as was recently found out. when i saw the optician to make a new pair, found out my degree dropped from 450, 400 to 325, 300. so i guess that's pretty cool too.

sit test is over. no more damn jungles for me man. at least, not till BMT finishes la. go command school, surely can expect worse. but it's a relief for now. 2 more weeks to POP. yeah.

still coughing like some old man. but getting used to running and doing PT while sick. so i guess that's alright too.

everyone seems so far away. when you're in army.

talk to me man.

readingyournote,overagain.

2006-05-14T12:58:00.000+08:00

i seldom update my blog during BMT, chiefly cause by the time i'm home, i'm so dead tired i couldn't be bothered to type anything down. however since this has been a long weekend, by book in day, today, sunday, i've rested abit more than i usually have, you guys are so lucky to have an entry heh.

i just realised after field camp and all the vigorous activities and PT, i've lost weight. i didn't think it possible, after all i already am pretty thin and light, 60 kg to begin with. now i've lost about 2 kg or so, and my jeans has shrunk by about 2 sizes. on the plus side tho, losing all that excess weight, has toned my muscles and abs. so i say keep it coming man!

last week's training was pretty bad, what with the commanders stepping up training after field camp and all. everything's getting more physical, more as well as longer strength trainings, AGRs, 30-60 being upgraded to 60-120 and stuff. and judging from the training schedule things are only set to become even more packed. we have SOC, IMT, live range, grenade throwing, IPPT, more physical, BCCT, situational test, 12 km 16 km 24 km route march, all coming up packed into 3 to 4 weeks.

well, time to just grin and bear it. when things suck in the army, you can

a) suck thumb
b) call police
c) lan lan just bear with it

all of which does nothing to change your situation of course. speaking of which, i pass out of BMT on the 6th june, an easy enough date to remember. 6/6/6 such an auspicious date to have my ceremony eh. mmm.

on another note, how can something so shallow last for so long?

if you guys (or should i say girls since all the guys are at army) are free, do sms or call me. life in the barracks gets very, very, very screwed up and sian.

army daze.

2006-04-23T14:38:00.000+08:00

mm. it's been sometime since i last updated. everytime i book out i'm in no mood to recollect everything and blog it down. but hey since this time i've a day and a half of book out time (courtesy of the generousity of the SAF) i figured i'll blog down random stuff and quotes, statements and thoughts.

"stop moving in the bloody file!"

"ok gentlemen, face front, face front, ATTEN-SHUN! ready position!" EEE-YAH! (adopts martial arts stance)

i hate doing BCCT (basic close combat training) in the hot sun at the parade square at 3pm in the afternoon, cause when we are knocked down the floor cooks your palms.

"Sergeant, when we book out can we look at girls or not?"
"You're born with eyes right?"
"I mean, sergeant, can we look continuously?"
"F**K you understand. Platoon, when you're in No. 4 uniform you know you're not supposed to act indecently in public. that includes holding hands or kissing your girlfriend. so if a girl comes up to you what do you do?"
-blank look from recruits-
"Aiyah, anyway i think girl also won't come to you ugly bunch. they don't call you chao recruits for nothing, you all stink."

"run run run section 3, we're late to fall in!"

i hate it when they officially say we have 1 hour of admin time to do our own things, but the RO (routine orders) take half an hour to be settled, and laundry, preparation for tomorrow's activities eats away everything, and you even have to shower after lights out, and get caught for disobeying the lights out timing.

the sergeants all have different reactiosn when recruits complain or present them with problems. SGT khoo: "how? call police la." SGT hafiz: "your story touches me heart" *touches his heart and puts on fake hurt expression*

stripping my wife, bringing my wife to the toilet, locking up my wife in my cabinet, cleaning my wife.

constantly fighting sleep in lectures at night after a long day.

bloody route marches 2 klick, 4 klick, 6 klick long, in FBO (full battle order), the heaviest shit i ever put on my back in my life.

upcoming field camp *groan*.

i love being in drill squad, hopefully we win the competition and get to perform for the POP.

constantly wondering why my pull ups are deproving in army, we pull everyday until we're shagged, but the number of pull ups i can do are decreasing from 9 to 6, and now to 4. makes no sense man.

getting very tanned. and lean, from the activities jam packed back to back.

nearly failed swimming category test when halfway swimming my platoon mate next to me gave me the finger and smiled underwater. i drank water and nearly couldn't complete my lap.

desperately trying to maintain contact with the real world, sms-ing friends outside BMT. wondering why they take so long to reply, and rejoicing when i get a reply as though someone told me ORD was tomorrow. army somehow makes you appreciate the small things amid your sergeants giving you a good ass-kicking.

thinking, with my spare time, about. you. and you.

---------------

_{What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here}

i'm blind again.

2006-04-07T00:40:00.000+08:00

going ns soon. it's been some time, since i felt this good. since i could make someone laugh again.

goodbye world.

blind

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me ~~died~~ when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go

ending theme.

2006-04-05T01:30:00.000+08:00

1 year ago.

1 year ago, i was just finishing with orientation 05:2. 1 year ago, i was grappling with tying up the loose ends of council. 1 year ago, half the school gathered outside my class after school ended. 1 year ago, i used a teacher to escape from thatmob. 1 year ago, yu zheng and louis caught me in the toilet. 1 year ago, i died. 1 year ago, someone said she wanted me killed again cause she didn't get to see. *grin* 1 year ago, i was failing my subjects. (actually i still fail them.) 1 year ago, haha. i was 'struck'. i won't say it's love, neither will i concede it was as fleeting as a crush or infatuation.

1 year ago. so many things. happened. came and went. fights. bonds. emotional rollercosters.

i guess i came outta it, different. out of JC. matured? or jaded. examining the 'me' after i came out of SJI and now looking at the 'me' after CJC, i tend to get the feeling that i was real, naive back then. about people. about studies. about relationships. heh, rest assured, i won't be making those mistakes again.

i started this post with intention to wrap up whatever i felt, about things that has happened, cliques of friends that i've joined and left, about the past two eventful years, about what's to come, but all i get now, is a sense of nostalgia, jadedness, and a laid back mood as i sift through the memories and feelings that flow past me.

i've lost track of what i wanted to say, or felt.

i deeply regret some actions i took in the past two years. council, among other things. maybe i shouldnt have told you. maybe, i should have just shouldered everything. but could i live with myself everyday like that? i don't know. they say hindsight's 20/20. they're right. ah well. i seldom read your blog now, then again i suppose you don't even read mine. but i hope you're happy, quit being so sentimental and sad writing all the time. i like it better when you write about cheerful mundane stuff that happened, or when you're taking an argumentative stand on some current affair. maybe you're right, some things can't go back to how they were. they just can't. and maybe they shouldn't. but i hope they can. someday.

ns soon. hope i can make it to ocs. at least that way i'll get a zanpaktou, maybe can train hard enough to achieve shikai, maybe even bankai. =) in caseyou didn't know, those are terms from bleach. yup, i'm an official bleach fan now. must say, i didn't like anime before, but this one's got me hooked.

oh and one last thing. disclaimer, if you will. in the past, people have commented to me that i should be mindful of what i write onmy blog. it used to be about council. now it's just that some people are concerned? or unhappy with what i write here. look, my stand has always been this, if youdon't like it, don't read it. simple as that i don't force people to readit yeah.

happy birthday to me tomorrow.

so is this it?

2006-03-27T02:38:00.000+08:00

i'm drifting further from my friends, from my family. 'most everyone seems to only have harsh words for me, if they have words for me at all. life's getting routine. i need to quit d2 soon before it becomes an addiction. they don't care. and you know what's the worse part? i don't care that they don't. cause nothing's worse than being apathetic, especially toward your own self.

a beautiful lie. a perfect denial.

fireflies, they're our only light in paradise.

2006-03-20T10:36:00.000+08:00

you know the situation when you know that something's bad for you, but you go ahead and indulge because u can't say no? yeah.

you are very bad for me. ~~and why do i still entertain thoughts about you?~~

two specters merged in one. two haunting echoes. somewhere, somehow, violently, i have committed. hence, i'm torn.

from underneath the trees, we watch the sky
confusing stars for satellites. please don't try
so hard to say goodbye.

paintball. splat.

2006-03-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

paintball. my noob team won! jon chan soph tappy rach u guys were awesome teammates. yeah! i'm awesome! from a losing position of 3-1 we hit back and won 3 consecutive games in a row. to become overall champions 4-3! EAT THAT. lol. sorry pido. u got shot in the balls, and twice in the shoulder pointblank. aight. =) paintball soon again! i hope.

far away.

2006-03-13T01:14:00.000+08:00

each day brings me closer to enlistment date. =(

i will not apologise for being emo. if people can't handle my attitude then you'renot obliged to. just get off my back. this is me. and i'm very comfortable feeling emo. at least i do feel emotions, unlike some players or people who aren't aware or feel anything. and let me remind you that anger and passion are emotions to. call a spade a spade, lah.

eyeless.

2006-03-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

high and dry.

hope for the best, expect the worst. that's that.

in session, again.

2006-02-25T01:52:00.000+08:00

i see that my ode to nice guy's going around. heh.

need work, got job? call don. thank you.

drawn out.

2006-02-24T00:35:00.000+08:00

i'll post lyrics whenever i want to.

dishwalla - drawn out

so the lines are lost
on the smallest details
of the life that we tossed
pushed out over the rail
and the wounds run deep
through the one man so bad
he's fallen beneath
the touch of your hand

and its all drawn out
there's nothing inside
and nothing to hold nothing to find
its wearing' me out
this feeling insideI'm all drawn out

and the promise we break it
and the reasons we fake it
bring us farther apart
from the love that we make
as the poisonous time leaves us gasping for air
we run for the past
but were already there

and its all drawn out
there's nothing inside
and nothing to hold
nothing to find and its wearing me out
this feeling inside
and its all drawn out
its all drawn out
I'm all drawn out

bloody hell. dumbass society.

2006-02-23T00:58:00.000+08:00

WARNING. FOLLOWING POST IS FULL OF RANT, AND GRAPHIC DETAIL.

ok. take a deep breath. on the count of three. start. ranting.

1.

2.

3.

WAH MOTHER FREAKING ASSHOLE WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THIS SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO TYPE THIS IT'S SO SLOW IT'S SO GRAPHIC THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS WAH DAMN YOU JAMES KHOO FOR GIVING ME THIS JOB FUCK LA I CAN'T HOLD BACK ANYMORE THIS IS HORRIFIC DAMN MYSELF FOR TAKING IT OH MY GOD LA THIS AIN'T RIGHT IT'S SUCH SLOW GOING WORK AND UTTERLY FUCKED UP.

ok, now that's outta my system lemme explain myself.

this job of mine, i got it helping james khoo out with his mediacorp documentary filming job. the documentary is about troubled youth and his job is the general dog servant. producer wants shooting locations, check. producer wants lunch, check. producer wants thinner, check. producer wants him to find talent, check. producer wants him to contact everyone and keep the whole production together, check. producer wants to pay him peanuts for his dog work, check. incidently he gets 100/episode. he should be getting 1.2k a month. instead, 8 episodes, 800 bucks. measly for his work. trust me, i do less than half of it and i'm disgusted already.

i do the transcripting of the interviews. and basically that involves taking down everything that is said in the interview. every. little. thing. which includes the horrific language of this ITE girl. the damn mumbling. the sudden stumbling and acceleration of words. the making up of words. the singlish. positively horrific grammar. and then some. and if that isn't bad enough, if 1 hour's worth of transcribing sounds easy enough to you? hoho, you've got it wrong. i work at a rat eof about 3 hours typing to 20 mins of interview time which means i take 9 hours for an interview. i'm like currently 40 mins into it, having spent 2 separate sessions of 3 hours so far. it's slow going at best, frustrating and CURSING AND SWEARING at worst.

and around the 30 min to 40 min mark, the girl opens up! literally. and starts, telling weird shit. i mean, at first her mom caning and burning her's quite bad enough. but then, her father starts abusing her sexually. i'll just quote some until the point where i've worked. please, if you can't stand this, just ignore, scroll further down, or leave altogether. this is me bitching about my job and i just need to get it outta my system.

Girl:
Erm, because of what I said I was not allowed into the house so usually I was locked at the shoe rack area then my dad would wake up very late so when he wakes up late usually there’s nobody around it’s only left him and me then he would always open the door for me to use the toilet, look around and eat, as long as it’s not obvious that it’s missing can already then sometimes he just like let me drink his coffee a bit then he also can drink and, thing’s like that la. Then usually there’s one period of time I said I want to play computer so he actually let me go use the computer room that computer, and actually let me play the computer. Then he said after he finish brushing his teeth and stuff like that he said he want to change so I said “ok you want to change then I go out” he said “Ah nevermind nevermind you just sit there.” So I was like “Huh? Oh ok.” Then I sit there and play then he take out his pants then he come up to me then he showed me ah, then he asked me to touch his penis.

Interviewer:
Ok so what was going through your mind?

Girl:
I was like ok, I was thinking what was he doing and then I also was thinking since he’s my father he ask me to do this type of thing I think should be ok. Anyway I also don’t get along with my mom so I think should be ok.

Interviewer:
So if you don’t mind, I mean besides going into graphic detail, what, besides touching, what else did he ask you to do?

Girl:
Subsequently other than touching that was the first thing, then he actually showed me the pornographic vcd then he erm, asked me to sit down and watch with him and that is the very first time I watched then after that he actually get me to erm, masturbate for him. Ya then there was one time when he actually went into a toilet with me and bathed each other, uh-huh. Then after that when he rinsing, oh then I go to the room first. He say nevermind you just stay with me and watch ah. Then after that he actually asked me to take out those, you know those test tubes from the, from the, what you call that, test tube from the container which he kept I don’t know for what then he asked me to play with myself. Ya, putting it in and out of my vagina.
Interviewer:
So can I say that because it’s your trust in your father that’s why you’re doing all these things?

Girl:
Ya.

_{=YOU CAN LOOK NOW IF YOU SCROLLED DOWN=}

i mean what kinda father exploits such trust? sonuva bitch if i catch the mother fucking bastard i'll slit his dick and make sure he chokes on it.

wah. the combination of shock, frustration and stupid language is getting to me la. wtf. need a break. i'm going nuts from this dumbass one off job. clubbing anyone on 4th march? need an outlet.

mussee.

2006-02-17T20:01:00.000+08:00

i feel like i gotta write, but write what i simply cannot decide upon. argh. need, an outlet. maybe later tonight.

just because you asked me to.

2006-02-15T22:11:00.000+08:00

4 jobs u had in ur life:
1. redemption counter personel
2. warehouse workman
3. pissing off my parents
4. student

4 movies u cld watch over and over again:
1. the last samurai
2. equilibrium
3. the lord of the rings
4. the matrix

4 cities u lived in:
1. petersburg, virginia
2. orlando, florida
3. vancouver, canada
4. san francisco, california

4 tv shows u love to watch:
1. desperate housewives
2. american idol
3. whose line is it anyway
4. chinese and indian dramas so i can laugh at them

4 places u've been on vacation:
1. america
2. m'sia
3. canada
4. india? (OCIP, heh)

4 websites u visit everyday:
1. all those on my links list
2. friendster
3. my blog
4. ultimate-guitar

4 pple I'm tagging this to:
1. gughan
2. soph
3. rach
4. shufang

oh the foolish things people do.

2006-02-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

as quoted from alvin's blog:

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A VALENTINE'S DAY DATE

- "today is a very special day.."

- any sentence beginning with "my mother.."

- " you know, i have a reputation for being a ladies' man. i have no idea why." ( transalaton: i was drunk and can't remember a thing. in yer face don!)

- " you are paying right?"

- " sorry, i need to leave early to study for a test tomorrow."

- " so Sandy.. sorry Valerie.. i meant Sarah!"

- "are you enjoying your Big Mac?"

- " whoa, that girl is hot!"

- "i brought along a friend."

- "what do you mean, a singlet isn't formal?! i washed it specially ok!"

- "i kinda feel bad for my wife.."

- " eh chio bu! wanna pak tor?!?!"( inserts last finger into ear/mouth/nose/pocket)

in session.

2006-02-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

Ode To Nice Guys (back by popular demand)

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.This is in honour of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honour of the guys with open minds,with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honour of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favour cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warmbody for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathise and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do(I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realise they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys.You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker fora pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

If you're a nice guy and endured all these, put it on your blog.

remember when it rained.

2006-02-12T22:49:00.000+08:00

i like the way tappy puts it.

"the way i see it, everything ends in tears or death anyway, so take chances."

so. literature like. yeah, i guess death and isolation, loneliness (in old age or death), and despair eventually come knocking on everyone's door, it's the deal that you cut with life and the grim reaper that enables you to squeeze out every last ounce of joy and happiness outta life that makes the bargain worthwhile. else you'll just be left with all the tears and death.

SUPERSIZE our tragedies.

2006-02-09T10:54:00.000+08:00

mmmm. I SLEPT ON THE JOB AND STILL GOT PAID. lol.

first experience of warehouse work yesterday. we arrived late at 10, supposed to report at 9, but hey, the delivery truck came later than us anyway. we worked from 11 to 1 as box slashers, slashing open boxes of shoes and tallying the right number of shoes corresponding to the sizes ordered in each box. boring, physical work as we were lifting lotsa boxes around and bending over to slash them and count. 20 pellets (is that how you spell it?) done in 2 hours, not half bad. lunch was crappy, thanks to jeremy's discovery of the sign "EAT" pointing the right direction after we were lost in the midle of the desolate industrial park in Tuas. came back after lunch, waited for second shipment that never showed up, started sleeping. all the way from 1.30 to 4.30. and got paid 58 for my trouble! lol. not bad for 2 hours of work. =)

interview as a waiter later at 5pm today, marina square. dinner anyone?

desperate and ravenous.

2006-02-03T10:41:00.000+08:00

a year ago, this thorn would have bled me.
a year ago, i would have walked a path.
a year ago, i would have regretted.

time flies so fast. it's past chinese new year already, and guess what folks? over-commercialised vday is baaaaaaaaaaaacckkkkkk. haha. i can still remember the crazy stuff we did in school, the stupid "i-tell-you-who-but-u-don't-tell-anyone-else-ok?". past all that. past everything. yeah, i think i can finally safely say, one year three months going on, these fetters hold me no more. wish you all the best, see you soon during A lvl results, sure you'll ace them. you probably won't be seeing this, but yeah, i'll so like to talk to you again like we used to.

little angel go away
come again some other day
devil has my ear today
i'll never hear a word you say

norse mythology, not the online game.

2006-02-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

Ragnarok ("Doom of the Gods"), also called Gotterdammerung, means the end of the cosmos in Norse mythology. It will be preceded by Fimbulvetr, the winter of winters. Three such winters will follow each other with no summers in between. Conflicts and feuds will break out, even between families, and all morality will disappear. This is the beginning of the end.

The wolf Skoll will finally devour the sun, and his brother Hati will eat the moon, plunging the earth [into] darkness. The stars will vanish from the sky. The cock Fjalar will crow to the giants and the golden cock Gullinkambi will crow to the gods. A third cock will raise the dead.

The earth will shudder with earthquakes, and every bond and fetter will burst, freeing the terrible wolf Fenrir. The sea will rear up because Jormungand, the Midgard Serpent, is twisting and writhing in fury as he makes his way toward the land. With every breath, Jormungand will stain the soil and the sky with his poison. The waves caused by the serpent's emerging will set free the ship Naglfar, and with the giant Hymir as their commander, the giants will sail towards the battlefield. From the realm of the dead a second ship will set sail, and this ship carries the inhabitants of hell, with Loki as their helmsman. The fire giants, led by the giant Surt, will leave Muspell in the south to join against the gods. Surt, carrying a sword that blazes like the sun itself, will scorch the earth.

Meanwhile, Heimdall will sound his horn, calling the sons of Odin and the heroes to the battlefield. From all the corners of the world, gods, giants, dwarves, demons and elves will ride towards the huge plain of Vigrid ("battle shaker") where the last battle will be fought. Odin will engage Fenrir in battle, and Thor will attack Jormungand. Thor will victorious, but the serpent's poison will gradually kill the god of thunder. Surt will seek out the swordless Freyr, who will quickly succumb to the giant. The one-handed Tyr will fight the monstrous hound Garm and they will kill each other. Loki and Heimdall, age-old enemies, will meet for a final time, and neither will survive their encounter. The fight between Odin and Fenrir will rage for a long time, but finally Fenrir will seize Odin and swallow him. Odin's son Vidar will at once leap towards the wolf and kill him with his bare hands, ripping the wolf's jaws apart.

Then Surt will fling fire in every direction. The nine worlds will burn, and friends and foes alike will perish. The earth will sink into the sea.

After the destruction, a new and idyllic world will arise from the sea and will be filled with abundant supplies. Some of the gods will survive, others will be reborn. Wickedness and misery will no longer exist and gods and men will live happily together. The descendants of Lif and Lifthrasir will inhabit this earth.

where's my red packet.

2006-01-28T05:15:00.000+08:00

awright. what a night. first off, the dream theater concert! it was da bomb man.

drummer mike portnoy showed he had it man. he made drumming seem so bloody easy. with his various antics of standing up drumming, drumming with one hand and scratching his head or waving about his other hand and stick, or throwing and doing hat tricks with his drumming stick, or throwing sticks into the audience to grab, he was the show to watch, not to mention his insane drumming.

the effects with which keyboardist jordon rudess could achieve his various instruments was way cool. from pipe organ to piano to electric guitar, he sounded as if he was really playing all those instruments at once. freaky shit.

so that was the concert yeah, it rocked the house, head-banging and all. after that took cab down to club at pavillion, where mishap and circumstance forced us to change venue to chinablack. had fun, danced and joked around with tappy, soph, rach, ben, sean and chris. ok stuff la, though went home feeling a lil down. but hey, it's chinese new year man, gong xi fa cai? hong bao na lai? heh.

happy lunar new year everyone.

some things never change, not even for the better. sucks yeah.

_{the coldness of the words, the message in the silence, face the candle to the wind}

2006-01-27T17:51:00.000+08:00

yay! dream theatre concert tonight, they rawk the house man. and clubbing afterward. see ya folks.

trouble sleeping.

2006-01-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

well. days go by. and i'm not accomplishing anything. not doing any sports (running don't count). not even practicing guitar for the moment. and what did i just do? i just entered into pido's team for a dota competiton. heh, i feel even more useless now.

passed a conflagaration burning at a dump on the way home. i love the way the flame roars and licks the darkness around it. it's almost like a beast you know? straining to gobble everything up in flames. but there's something, hypnotic about the huge blaze...

i guess i can finally say this huh. i deleted all messages from my phone. new year, new start. whatever good that was inside my phone has passed anyway, no point clinging unto the past. easier said than done.

and i left my pokemon with gughan. smart, now nothing to do except starcraft and psp. shit. feel like shit.

I'M AWESOME!

2006-01-11T23:24:00.000+08:00

here's the deal.

i'm donovan. my life is perfect.

I'M AWESOME!

sianzation.

2006-01-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

k i'm blogging cause jean asked me to.

i'm playing gameboy kiddos. yes, i am that bored. lemme update you on my progress.

pokemon yellow

lvl 39 kabuto
lvl 38 pikachu
lvl 38 snorlax
lvl 38 aerodactyl
lvl 40 haunter
lvl 42 dugtrio
lvl 50 articuno
lvl 50 zapdos
lvl 100 articuno
lvl 100 zapdos
lvl 100 mewtwo

hehe. bored. yes. sian. it's pokemon, for crying out loud. at least i don't have to go out to be entertained, save money on adult bus fares. so blardee expensive nowadays.

death greets me warm.

2006-01-03T15:50:00.000+08:00

*yawn* i'm bored. this batch of students are so guai. so far no one's tried to leave or crash CJC 2006 orientation. just got home and i'm sleepy. if u gotta report to school at 7, you'll be sleepy too. by afternoon. when sun's up. and the shade's down. and it's just right for a siesta.

so i'll just take the time to reply some tags.

elysdeon: sleepy again terry? why keep typing 'zzz'. oh ya, forgot. you're going army soon, better stock up on all the sleep you can get mr Jan 5th. =)

pido: wats a six gun lover? and i know you can't sing already. in fact the whole school knew when you sang national anthem on first day of council term. ; )

jean: jean do you sing our genre of songs? haha.

miah: bunny fetish. read too much playboy alr.

aslan: can't be gughan, he doesn't even have internet. must be you again, pido. arse-lan.

_{i think u don't even read. heh heh. a year, how long more must this facade go on? sian. u no longer still have that hold over me, but... forget it. new year, new people, time to forget the old and move on. ahh, rambling.} =)

you had this look that of an angel, it was such a bad disguise.

2006-01-01T22:53:00.000+08:00

hAPPY nEW yEAR people!

alright man. new year. i don't really feel any different, i spent the night at home doing midnight prayers while all my friends were outside partying away. sigh, sucks eh? BUT. started it on a good note i guess, after prayers i swindled my dad out of 20 bucks playing blackjack. which was good. lol.

met sanjay and tze wei and his classmate for a jamming session today. it was fun! haha we play quite well, only some rhythm synchronisation problems initially and the fact that tze and i totally. cannot. sing. we're on the lookout for a singer! come talk to any of us if you're interested k? don't worry about the playing aspect, we're pros. *grin* just need a good voice to supplement.

and after that at night, went for some dota on the spur of the moment. tze and his classmate vs me and sanjay. haha raped ass! i randomed lion, heh heh. those of you who know what heroes i use, you know what to expect. later, we 4 joined up to play a 5 v 5 against pubs. haha, it was a tough fight, but my lycan prevailed. end score 28-9. 1 heart, 3 bashers 1 power treads and 1 mask of madness. so tonight ruled too!

thanks to all those who bothered to sms me happy new year! jean simon krishnan sophie man yun cheryl ravi. love you guys, good luck in whatever you decide to dabble in this year.

it's been a hellavu JC life, and 2005 as well. let's see, failed most major exams, barely got through council. 3 crushes. 2 expeditions. 1 overseas community service trip. i'm glad that the As are over... but i'm afraid for the mess i made out of it. i'll miss the corridors of the school. mass pe. the school events. doing sai kang. organising elaborate plans of attack to wassup people. getting wassuped myself. painting banners. running. soccer. hanging around in school. obsessions with dota. the high school drama that is. the soap opera that is part of my life. the good teachers. the bad ones. the copying across classes. the information stolen about tests from other classes who already took it earlier in the day. the good friends. the enemies. the forgotten ones. the politics, both in class and council. the crazy stuff we did. orientation. rockafella. night study. when we don't really study at all, but talk dota, talk incessantly, and look out for hot chicks. macdonalds study sessions, which weren't really study sessions at all but preludes to LAN. the stupid chicken little dragostea din tei playing in the background every 5 mins. learning how to network. learning how to interact with girls, after 4 years in monk school. the bright blue uniform that was my spezial one that made me look enlightened by above in a sea of dull blue. the horror and nervousness when you find out you're supposed to do the school pledge during morning assembly, in front of 1600 plus students. (i never screwed it up once! haha, unlike miah: "we the citizens of singapore pledge ourselves at all times..." and gughan "pledge ourselves as one united kingdom")

yes, those memories, and more. it's been a rollercoaster ride up and down. and my close friends will know. lemme take the opportunity to thank you, for being there and staying by my side despite idiosyncrises, despite tantrums, despite depression, and despite craziness. keep in touch, and may 2006 bring another same interesting year.

affirmation.

2005-12-29T00:13:00.000+08:00

had a long talk with a friend. and i got to realise this. in some way or another,

everyone's fighting the good fight. their own good fight.

everyone's insecure. everyone has their own problems. it's just us to blow our own problems up, out of proportion and to think that the world is collaspsing just because you think your world is falling apart. which is total bull. i guess depression, even self pity, is ok, but up to a certain point it loses its usefulness.

i've pinpointed my weaknesses. i set ridiculously high targets, to set myself up for failure. i take friends for granted when i feel they do not fit into the picture. i react not with constructive criticism when faced with piercing truths, but with anger. the attitude that is *don't care who's right or wrong, shout louder and you're right!* too much seriousness. too much emphasis on getting it right. on getting it all.

maybe it's time, for a lil self improvement. to not expect so much, to not chase after anything too much. but just to take one day at a time? and not think so much? and work on the temper. and work on gratitude, one trait which i'm sorely lacking in.

i don't guarantee results, but i do gaurantee effort. afterall, the only person who stands to really gain from this is: me.

a whiter shade of pale, just as ghostly.

2005-12-28T18:55:00.000+08:00

in the mood for some phantom of the opera, or some sarah brightman, or some kinda esplanade performance.. something, higher class than what i usually go see (i.e. movies or worse, tv). something, different. something, intellectually stimulating? haha.

anyone? =|

may have found a job, that may potentially pay well if i work hard. but dunno if it's real, as in too good to be true. should i go for it? the briefing's tomorrow... heh, not sure about it all man.

and we say we're alright, because to say otherwise is unorthodox and emotional. and no one likes that.

anger at crimes yet undone.

2005-12-27T01:31:00.000+08:00

i just undid whatever progress i made.

and the silent screams resound.

2005-12-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

they say tortured individuals make good poets and writers. even actors who've had a shit of a time perform best on screen. suffering gives depth.

i'm waiting for inspiration.

silence.

2005-12-26T23:11:00.000+08:00

_{violent passion. passionate violence. where's the line? the torture. the chaos. the anarchy. a swirling vortex of a maelstorm of energies. of passions. control! where's the necessary control? grip. slash. whirlwind of spirits. a portal, to nowhere. and then, it all. subsides. and solitude. where are the people who said they'll be there for you? when the walls between emotion and peace, between friend and foe, between loyalty and treachery, between life and death fall, fellowship is nowhere. nowhere. the chaos. the anarchy. and the defeaning silent aftermath, which shouts louder than the cacophony of before. peace? doubt it.}

come get some.

2005-12-26T20:42:00.000+08:00

fuckin ipod. too many choices, take me 20 mins just to fill up a playlist of songs that are

a) nice to listen while running
b) haven't listened to in a while

fuckin traffic lights. slow down my timing of my 5 plus klick run just now. at least 6 red lights. in all took me 35 mins.

fuckin singaporeans think they own the damn pedestrian walkways. they never give way even when they hear you coming. and no i'm not just talking about assholes whose backs are to you, at least that's forgiveable that they really can't see you coming (even though i'm pretty god damned sure they HEARD me coming from my footsteps), it's the fuckin people who see you coming towards them facing you. you assholes go out with your family or your friends think you own the whole damn width of the walkway is it? fuck off idiots. learn some courtesy. those bastards force me to detour around them on the grass or rocky paths, tiring me further.

fuckin cyclists ought to be banned from cycling on the pathways too. *ring ring* your ass man. why must i give way to you? bicycles can be considered vehicles, in that case you should cycle on the shitty road asshole. and even if you're concerned about safety issues and wish to use the pathway, you should realise that priority should be given to real pedestrians on FOOT. one of these days i'll take a stick and thrust it into the spinning wheels to catch their spurs and watch them fly.

if for every footstep i took i could pound my problems away, i'll be running forever. if only i have the determination to apply to life, the same determination i have when i'm running half the course and wish to stop, but continue on.

then again, if it were so easy, there won't be anymore kick right? fuckin hell.

dead and gone, dead and gone.

2005-12-26T02:05:00.000+08:00

it's freakin 2am. i jsut came hom edrunk, vomitted at lakeside mrt. parents not angry at me at all, they're great folks man. and.. my life's a wreck, best part is no one gives a damn, not even me. always get into shit situations where i'm cornered... always damn suay. wtf man. why? WHY?

god damn this. i always... ahh forget it.

but the lies they say, they sound so true.

2005-12-24T20:35:00.000+08:00

hmph. i'm not christian so i guess in some ways i'm not credible enough a source to comment. but it really does seem to me that the true spirit of christmas is all but nearly lost. go out to town and what do you see? lights, people out in throves, and subtle (some not so subtle) hints from all the shopping areas and centers to spend, spend, spend on more, more, more!

is this what was meant by christmas when christ was born? i don't think so. i mean, the wise men didn't just witness the birth of baby Jesus and said afterward "hey, let's go grab a beer at Wal-Mart". consumerism? capitalism? or just humanity?

and do you people really think that a simple sms could embody the spirit of christmas? i'm all for wishing your friends and family, and yes technology does make it easier for you. but how many of you people out there just SPAM your damn messages? especially using the occasion to SPAM a message to someone you probably never even talk to or see for the rest of the whole year? if you're gonna send messages, at least be sincere and message people close to you and your heart. i've already got 2 messages of merry christmas from unknown numbers and it's not even christmas day yet.

to me, the spirit of christmas.. has changed. no more the picturesque thing, now it's all about spending, SPAMming and what not. i'm not anti christmas, or anti social.. i'm just worried by this trend. huxley and orwell were right. damn consumerism.

if you just walked away, what could i really say.

2005-12-23T22:39:00.000+08:00

~~1) psp body cover~~
2) psp games (prince of persia: revelations, gta: liberty stores)
3) crumpler mini pouch for ipod mini
4) handphone pouch
~~5) new shoes~~
6) new shirts
7) guitar amp
~~8) movie treat for Kong~~
9) a job
10) new pc

yay. quite the harvest.. though i need more new shirts. keep the booty coming in people! =D love you all for the new stuff. haha.

i've no intention of living this way, no intention of living

2005-12-23T11:31:00.000+08:00

why did you take water from my well?

ahhhhh. the rush. of adrenaline. and emotion. nothing like competition to really loosen you up. may. the. best. man. win.

*grin*

2005-12-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

_{since jean asked me to, this whole post is just dedicated to this one insignificant and trivial thing, her msn nick name, supposedly inspired by my msn nick name, in very small font. i can't have it take up too much space, lest people don't see my xmas wish list haha.

all i want for christmas is Honey Stars. says: (11:39:16 PM)
check out my new nick. inspired by YOU.

`donovan. all i want for christmas is some psp games. says: (11:39:33 PM)
should i feel honoured?

all i want for christmas is Honey Stars. says: (11:39:45 PM)
yes of course you should

all i want for christmas is Honey Stars. says: (11:39:50 PM)
and you should post about it in your blog}

2005-12-22T00:29:00.000+08:00

new found revelations. new resolutions. new life after As. new blog. hopefully a change in skin will help me close the book on all that's happened in cj these two years and look ahead. speaking of new stuff. here's a very helpful list for people who wanna buy me things for christmas and the new year. shameless, but get's the job done much easier won't you say? heh.

1) psp body cover
2) psp games (prince of persia: revelations, gta: liberty stores)
3) crumpler mini pouch for ipod mini
4) handphone pouch
5) new shoes
6) new shirts
7) guitar amp
8) movie treat for Kong
9) a job
10) new pc

merry christmas all. =P

V^.^V

2005-12-20T20:54:00.000+08:00

woah. it's been quite the monday yesterday. and i just had the time and inclination to blog about it. heh heh.

the day started out with me going to meet miah and his bro in town to do my christmas shopping. in total i spent like 150 bucks on close friends. louis u better be happy, your present cost the most, like twice what the other peoples' ones cost.

so i got a calender, two cds, two stuffed animals and a stack full of brochures entitling me to a 1 for 1 hour deal when i play LAN at cine. ok the stack of brochures aren't for gifts, but if i'm desperate i'll start handing them out like your friendly MRT neighbourhood flyer-man. so u people can start guessing what i got for you. heh.

after shopping, proceeded to wait for the 3pm sakae sushi buffet i was eating with the fencers and james khoo. while waiting for me to finish, miah played my psp till he nearly drained it of the fully charged battery, playing Ridge Racer and his beloved Reiko Nagase. ok, she's quite hot la. but my way ain't the way of ogling computer game girls. they are, after all, just pixels. that's more like joseph's way, he and his female night elf rogue in world of warcraft.

the buffet was some funny shit. here are some series of pictures i took at the table. cause we ordered a hell lot of food, and the 8 of us split into two tables of four. so there was a competition of sorts, seeing who can eat more than the other. i went the honourable way, i ate every single thing i took off the conveyor belt, about 18 or so plates of sushi and the steamed egg and miso soup. the rest, cheated. since we were charged for food wastage and they kept taking more and more plates naturally we couldnt finish. so what did they do? they hid the food everywhere. like this.

this is what it looks like. looks like an ordinary stack of 3 plates huh? think again.

tier one.

tier two.

lol. masters of disguise. in this one u can see kai wen stuffing his unfinished udon noodles into his plastic wrapper for his wet hanky.

heh heh. anyway, that was the afternoon buffet and shopping. later went to meet the 30th and 31st SC. and at the marina bay mrt i realised that there was no proper toilet. so miah, who wanted to go to the toilet, was fooled by the sign. in the end, the toilet was simply, a portable one. LOL.

so that was my very interesting monday. heh. today, paled in comparison. some starcraft, some Troy, some mopping and some msn-ing. sigh.

time for some chow. bye guys.

2005-12-18T22:28:00.000+08:00

hmm. been on the go for 2 straight nights. crazy stuff first went in the early morn to sanjay's to jam with tze wei. after that rushed off down to khai's to spend the day playing computer, watching dvds and bumming around. we bummed around till 3am. woke the next morn at 7.45am to cab down to clementi from yio chu kang for fencing comp. should have seen how jun jie turned on his enraged mode on his last fight for the quarterfinals. he nearly collapsed on his feet when he was through and lost, he was so tired he couldnt even stand up straight while fencing. overall i think there was an improvement for everyone there, heh i didn't lose two bouts 0-5 this time.

after fencing went out to dinner and dota and cs with the fencing guys. and came home tired. so tired that i couldnt even remember falling asleep on the bus home and also that i just tried to use body foam to shampoo my hair.

mmm miah you go clubbing and score with girls never tell me. hmph. at least jon told me.

anyway, jean told me about tmr's council dinner at 7.30pm at marina bay. show up people... pls don't forgo this chance to meet. heh heh this might well be one of our last group outings ya?

anyway i'm usin this post to advertise the blogs of the following people ok?

miah
jean
jon

ok done doing that. sian. haha but although i feel quite sian about things, i think there's an actual improvement in how emo i get! heh heh i'm learning to control emotion. no point letting it run too free. but then again total oppression isn't the answer either. haha. ok tired.

nights.

2005-12-16T01:41:00.000+08:00

never. never. in a thousand years. never would i have thought it possible.

in the words of another..

Caligin~ says: (1:39:06 AM)
affection..is so...

Caligin~ says: (1:39:08 AM)
screwed..

amen.

2005-12-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

yay. i made two people very happy today. i got my dad a 600 dollar hp after he was complaining that his phone

a) looks like a female phone
b) has no features
c) sms does not save if u quit writing it
d) looks like huishan's phone (eh he didnt complain that, i just wrote it)

so my dad was happy this christmas he got a gift from me, the first expensive one.

and chip was happy i got her a squirrel TY beanie baby. acutally she was pestering me for a gift jokingly that afternoon and before going down to meet her and some of the t19 gang i just bought it on a spur in plaza sing since i was already there. yup. feels good to make ppl happy.

on the other hand i wish people will make me happy. lol.

2005-12-11T14:41:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry. last night, was crazy. just.. crazy. are we "human fuckin beings"? mmm.

anyway ya, don' t know about life man. sucks, everyone's life seems to be screwed up one way or another. khai. ben. miah (dont deny it). gughan.

mine.

haha, just gotta learn to don't give a damn anymore. to detach myself from circumstances. to 'harden your heart'. that's the only way to survive this maelstorm.

ooooh we need senseless violence. the pulling of the trigger without batting an eyelid. the murder of prisoners. the raging against steel bars of a cage.

and we so need peace.

-//tiny.vessels.death.cab.for.cutie

This is the moment that you know
That you told you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

2005-12-10T22:46:00.000+08:00

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

2005-12-10T22:12:00.000+08:00

fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u fuck u. fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this.

clubbing is bad. dancing is ok, but in all other aspects it sucks. the music. the smoke. the lack of seating space. the expensive drinks. the people doing stupid things. the people you know doing stupid things. the people you know. the people.

take a deep breath. operation 321. on the mark, breathe out and release. the anger. or the greenery. or the emotion. till... there's nothing left but cold analytical cynism.

3.

2.

1.

mark.

2005-12-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

"is that all you think about?"

go to hell.

2005-12-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

lit s paper. grad night. psp. picture stills of friends i might not see in a long while. drinking after grad. dota at ben's. standard issue divine rapier. pranking khai. bad repercussions. personal hell.

all in a day's work.

2005-11-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

how to tame an emo kid:
leave them flattering comments on friendster/myspace/their blog. listen to their problems. be a member of the opposite sex and reject them (they love unrequited love more than most people love sex, so they'll hang around you for-ev-er).

sooo, true. yet, disturbingly hurting? lol.

2005-11-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

lol. the things one experiences when going shopping yeah. on saturday while walking along orchard (after some black idiot came an hour late, causing me to wait an hour at the CJ bus stop wet from heavy rains) we all had encounters of some kind individually. gughan met a big, shadow from the past *snigger* or should i say friend from long ago la. jeremiah had some girl give him a free drink as he was boasting what a chick magnet he was (please la miah, she's not chio. stop flaunting, you're a lousy-chick magnet) and some modelling scout was harassing me from far east all the way to scotts.

but that's not the worst to come. the worst was when we were at domanchi x.square browsing suits at paragon and horror of all horrors, guess who we met. at the exact spot behind the shop at some desolate corner (the store was a corner one) at that specific time. we met mr and mrs tan jek suan and their two children. shopping. for grad night lucky draw stuff. oh. my. god. i reacted with some disbelief when i saw them through the shop window. miah did more than stare with disbelief, he practically flew back and nearly fell to the ground. lol.

so today i spent 258 bucks on a suit and pants. shit la so many things to buy, so little money to buy it with.

anyone with any lobang for jobs please tell me yeah? wish me luck for lit s on tuesday. gonna need it. i've a nagging feeling that i'm gonna get ungraded for my paper.

2005-11-19T14:02:00.000+08:00

this sucks you know? i already feel like i'm in holiday mode. playing. using the computer. trying to change my blog template. playing the guitar. sleeping in. and i've a paper on wednesday... damn all of you who finish the As early and am influencing poor old me to play alongside you guys.

and that's not all. damn myself. for trying to be hero and take lit s. and my exam endson gradnight. which means i've no time to even get ready! shit. shit. shit.

need prozium. bad.

"but i being poor have only my dreams. i have spread my dreams under your feet. tread softly, because you tread on my dreams." - Yeats.

2005-11-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

i'm a sense offender. come get me, preston.

2005-11-18T18:54:00.000+08:00

lit paper 8 today was ownage. piece of cake. 2 questions. one pair of comparison poems and one prose. as usual, a waste of 3 hours of my time.

this sucks. stupid physics chem econs math students. all finished already. stupid stupid stupid. can't believe my last exam is on grad night. screw... anyway, will be treating the 23rd as my last exam, not 29th.. since you can't study for lit s, and i need to get ready for grad night anyway...

need to get my dota skills back. can't believe i lost to a short fart. and his tall friend. the rest, no respect la... can take them on. nevermind, i'll go meditate in a forest, come out with enlightenment.

time to watch EQ!

2005-11-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

today. deja vu. someone borrowed a pen from me for lit exam.

while a year ago, i borrowed a pen from someone else. for lit exam. amazing how people change.

2005-11-13T20:50:00.000+08:00

Sir sometimes when he is not Antony he comes too short of that great property which still should go with Antony... his 'inches'.

Kingdoms are plasticine. Our shitty earth alike screws animals as man.

2005-11-12T20:51:00.000+08:00

christian bale rocks my world man.

2005-11-11T21:36:00.000+08:00

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories

2005-11-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

hmm i figure if i dont at least write something, this blog will die before i intend it to. just that it's the As, no mood/time to write much. nothing happens anyway... sigh.

sooo....

SOMETHING

2005-10-24T21:18:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

2005-10-23T16:32:00.000+08:00

thanks mindef for the advnaced birthday present. enlistment for ns 2 days after my birthday.

groan.

2005-10-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villians try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, now.

We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your adivistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned

For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers

A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
What the fuck is this for? What the hell is going on?! Shut up!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?

Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs haven't felt like this in years the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when there's no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
Classified my ass that's a fucking secret and you know it!

Government is another way to say better, than, you.
It's like ice but no pick a murder charge that won't stick its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
What luck
Facism you can vote for
Isn't that sweet

And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and see what's happening.
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so

Remember, you're a wreck, an accident
Forget the freak, your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done.

2005-10-09T18:36:00.000+08:00

hmmm. As in 3 weeks. yet it don't really feel that way. lol, somebody please get me to study seriously. yeah quite worried la, but i'm not feeling the real motivation to study.

it's been a while since i've felt restless in an emo way. so i guess that's cool. like i can finally say this: i'm over you. yeaah.

good books. good friends. good outings. well it all comes to an end one day. i suppose it begins with NS. to david tseng and sanjay, good luck with your BMT come dec 2. drink yourselves drunk the night before and go into camp with a hangover. haha, see if you can get into trouble and get detention barracks passes on the very first day of BMT. will miss you guys.

the day sof SJI were the peak i guess. no duties. no expectations. no politics. just good clean fun, doing nothing, even when we were supposed to be studying. CJ started to change that. and with NS looming up ahead, change is inevitable. people are gonna lose contact, people are gonna assume responsibilities and we will no longer have so much time to hang around doing nothing or have fun. some will work. some will go to the university. we will all branch out into focusing on surviving and finding work sooner or later.

just miss the good old days. when i smell change in the wind.

cause it's a bittersweet symphony that's life.

2005-10-02T11:14:00.000+08:00

alright alright. i wash my hands of this stupid drama. i'm deleting all the posts and tags. not because i'm a coward mind you. i'm just aware that all this name calling finger pointing isn't doing anyone good. and only serving to fuel arun's drama. i dont apologise for my views. but i apologise to anyone else whom i might have offended with my aggressive toward dhanesh. and my dota post. that was bullshit.

i never apologised for being donovan. if you liked the loyal, usually friendly donovan who would go to any lengths for a friend, you gotta take the bad with the good. that means the temperamental, holding-strong-views and unafraid to back down from them donovan. i'm a friend to all, except until you've proved otherwise. then you've made an enemy for life.

but nuff said. fresh start. and i learnt to keep my own views to myself.

and yes ben, i'm gonna study. la.

2005-09-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

alright. you know that games have progressed with society, when the games start having, eerm, creative endings. lemme explain myself.

it used to be a novelty you know, just to play a game. perferably a hack-and-slash one. then years ago, they decided to introduce romances into the RPGs, to make it more realistic. i suppose my first encounter with this was in Baldur's Gate 2. alright, but the game featured in the picture, now that game's called Jade Empire. it's a fairly new release, not the latest but yeah. and it's for xbox. but that's not the interesting part. the interesting part is that in this game, there are romances. but not as you think. i mean, you can play as a male or female protagonist yeah? and if you're male you can romance this female Non Player Character who's the princess of the chinese empire. and if you're female you can romance this male guy whose wife died shortly after giving birth to a daughter, who was subsequently taken and killed by bandits. the father lost track of the killers and vowed vengeance against evil (erm, duh. very predictable la) alright.

that's all well and good don't you think? sounds pretty normal to me. ah hah! but here's where the deviations start to appear. apparently, while i was playing a male and romancing the princess, some of her conversations were, eerm, quite open in nature. almost 'kinky' if you will. so i experimented. i used a female character, and yes, i romanced the straight princess into a lesbian. like omfg. lol.

apparently, the male character could also have the option of romancing the male NPC. haha! which is, abit the sick. i mean, lesbians are tolerable, but gays in my opinion are.. off-limits. but this just goes to show how the games are reflecting the changing times. and well, can you imagine the lil kids playing this who are way younger than me? i don't know whether to laugh or to shudder man.

anyway, just outta curiousity, since each romance path as well as light or dark side path has different epilogues for each character at the end of the game, i'm just gonna pick the evil male homo. just for fun. lol. seeing that i already finished the evil female lesbian path.

=)

i'm not sick. just, curious to see the lame ass epilogue. and to see how ridiculous the romance conversation options can be. lol.

i gotta get an xbox. after the As.

2005-09-23T19:24:00.000+08:00

awright!

exams.

are.

over.

as.

of.

now.

lol. yeah i know i lag la. but what to do, i'm taking one of the most useless papers on earth: lit s. would you believe it, i was the only one who sat through the whole paper till the end. and like since there are 3 people in the whole cohort taking lit s, one of them's in hospital from food poisoning, and the other is taking econs s too and couldnt be bothered about lit s, so she didnt finish the paper today and walked out halfway. waah. so since the chem s people finished at 4.30 they left early when i had my solo paper till 5. so sad huh. and kb ong, you pay man.

"chem s paper students, please do not make so much noise as you go out of the class. please don't disturb the lit s student taking the exam"

too much. tai guo fen. anyway. today was cool man. alot of funny stuff. first, miah asked me to meet him after his physics s in the morning. so i woke up and rushed down at 11.15. just when i reached and saw shufang and cheryl (who were not looking very approachable to say hi to, lol look so stoned) in the foyer he was coming down with eddie, wan nok, terry amd kai pin screaming let's go play dotaaaa. naturally i looked at him like he was crazy la. what to do. went along with them. can't believe i dragged myself out of bed earlier than i needed to for that bullshit. and along the way to coronation plaza, i left my bag on the 151. good game man.

lol was joking that i hope police won't arrest me for leaving my bag on the bus. later they think it's a bomb. anyway, so i went for lit s. with no books. with no stationary. again. (what's with me, literature papers and no pens ah? sian man.) yep. had a good game, despite terry using his teammates as meat shields. won all. then went back the paper. only to have kb ong pawn me.

after the paper followed miah out for dinner at kent ridge, the terminal station for the 151. along the way, there was this american school asshole. he tap the ez link twice then the reader sounded the error sound. then he simply sat down in front. and miah was like 'eh that fella never pay. what the hell la.' i felt real dulan. so know what i did? i took out 55 cents and walked in front and tapped him on the shoulder.

'eh kid. do you need 55 cents?'

he answered in his american accent like he was damn big shot.

'huh?'

'you didn't pay. i saw that.'

'oh yeah. cause my card has no money and i had no cash. only notes.'

'since you're too poor. i'm giving you 55 cents to pay.'

'oh.'

he then walked up to pay then on the way back said 'hey thanks man'. oblivious to the social embarassment i just dished out to him in front of the other passengers. haha, yeah i lost 55 cents. but it was a worthy investment to feel good and have a good laugh at his expense. please la, no money at least ask some other people for change. you have notes right? stupid ang moh wanna-be. still in that colonial mindset thinking that Singapore belongs to you.

once i reached the bus terminal, the bus uncle pawn me again. he said to me 'eh you the one who left the bag ah?' (i called the terminal up to claim ownership see, so they won't think i'm some terrorist.) then i said ya. he said 'haha don't do that again la.' i told him 'don't worry uncle, no bomb inside.' LOL.

so yeah. the adventures of donovan for one day. phew. whoever would have thought the day of my lit s exam be so entertaining. =)

the saddest song - the ataris
i won't spend...night alone - the ataris
giving up on love - the ataris
screaming infedilities - dashboard confessional
safe in a crazy world - corrinne may
save me - corrinne may
mr brightside - the killers
drive - incubus

2005-09-22T22:32:00.000+08:00

relationships are fragile. life's so much more less complicated without them. friendships are best.

2005-09-21T17:29:00.000+08:00

two teenagers are arrested, the police officer tells them they are entitled to one phone call.

sometime later a man enters the station and asks for them. "I suppose you're their solicitor," says the officer.

"no," the man replies. "i'm here to deliver the pizza."

some friends rented a boat and went fishing on a lake. after they'd caught their fill and were heading back to the dock, one guy asked, "did you mark the spot where we got all these fish?"

"of course," his friend said. "i put a big white X on the side of the boat where we caught them."

"you idiot!" the first guy yelled. "what makes you think we can get this boat tomorrow?"

leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk and decided to scare him straight. one night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. when her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

"who are you?" he slurred.

"i'm the devil," she answered.

"well come home with me," he said. "i married your sister."

2005-09-20T14:28:00.000+08:00

there's a feeling hanging in the air, and it's eating me alive. slowly.

oh wow. great, my econs drq and case study. first off, drq: out of the 20 mark thing i left 8 marks blank at the end. yes 8 whole marks. that's nearly 50% of the drq. why? cause it tested MRP, something i didn't read about at all. Like, the only thing i knew about it was that it stood for marginal revenue product, and that's all i knew. how the hell do you write something based on an acronym which you only know what it stands for and not even the freakin definition? well, my thoughts exactly.

i treated the case study as a gp essay. yeap, throw in some economic terms, some negative externalities, some injection-withdrawal facts and there's my case study. not very proud of that one either. at least the mcq was ok, think i'll end up with 20 marks which is a B grade. aiming for B for econs overall and crossing my fingers that it'll happen. though i probably will only end up with a D if i'm lucky. oops yeah.

i've been swinging around on the ends of a pendulum, from one extreme to the other. happy to reflective. talkative to silent. hardworking to lazy. peaceful to.. angry? dunno la. moving on to getting mired in the past. sometimes it's so hard to see that we're not alone in this.

well, i'm not letting this in this time. try to close the door on it, if only the best i can manage is to leave it ajar. i burn letters that i write to you, to make you love me. at least i've my true friends around. and there's always dota. and there's me, myself and i haha.

music reflects the soul, and indeed it does. my latest playlist is somewhat a mirror of the extremities warring in me.

-//
free - corrinne may
reinventing your exit - underoath
come get some - rooster
tears - x japan
sanitarium - metallica
promise - matchbook romance
right side of the bed - atreyu
note to self: - from first to last
in this diary - the ataris
endless sacrifice - dream theatre
extraordinary - liz phair
open your eyes - alter bridge

try to stay alive, until i hear your voice. i'm gonna lose my mind someone tell me why, i chose this life. this superficial lie. constant compromise; endless sacrifice.

and it ends.

2005-09-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

alright. for once i decided to exercise my lazy ass. so i ran.

1 lone runner
2 estates worth of running expanse Jurong East and West
3 traffic light stops
4 times seven's the time it took
5 chio buhs met along the way
6 kilometers approximately worth of distance

infinite stink after that. haha

but i didn't stop except for the traffic lights. and i believe i made good time. yeah, should do it more often.

2005-09-14T18:55:00.000+08:00

hmmm. i feel like.. there's nothing more to talk about. sure the exams are here. but duh, study la. play in between la. what else is there left to talk about? and what about s paper? screwed lo. how else to explain it.. bah. and dota? almost daily occurence already. curse bnet for making it so accessible to play with people.

and i feel like. it's all the same. in a way, can't wait for NS. at least there's the chance to experience the unity of a UGO again. at least i can finally tan, stupid fair skin. at least i can tone my body through forced exercise. maybe can get 6 pack huh? haha who knows. try to work towards it.

yeah. some things of the mind, of the heart never truly go away. but.. it's now possible to quash things. like the first time i experienced something so strong and consuming with such a high, but this time, i know when to pull back. i know you're around, stupid emotions. you aint gonna screw around with me anymore. maybe just maybe i'll let it out one day, all out and either feel strongly again or i might just go on a killing spree. lol. dota or otherwise. i admit, (credit to james), you can't keep emotions shut up forever, you can't hold back everything with a iron dam, cause there will be cracks, holes to stop and it might just overflow. and when it does, it'll sweep you away. literally. ahhh, why am i rambling...?

to get to the point, it's this. the same old studies. same old shitty grades. same old games. same old friends. and then some. and the same old emotions. so much so that i don't feel like talking about it anymore. i feel like closing this blog... mmm. should i? i guess few people read what the hell i write about anyway. =| identity crisis in the middle of the prelims? unlikely. laziness to write? probably.

just might close it anyway. the hit counter hardly moves nowadays.

replies to tags:

joel: so have you found your team yet? haha, ok la. as long as there's an excuse to play with you and kill you in the name of teaching you.. no sweat.

pido: aiyah, i never bother asking you already. asking you is either a) get dissed off and say no money and screw off. b) get dissed off and say go study (which makes me feel guilty and wanna study too, for 5 mins) c) get dissed off. period. like the time you shouted at me cause i was playing the fool chiding you to come and you blew up on me about how people wanna study and all that shit and how my s paper made me arrogant (like what the hell???) and all that unrelated shit. so bottom line: i never ask you play lan anymore.

james khoo: if they come back i'll screw them with the double life-extinguishers again. i'm on the 20th floor anyways, how they fly up here to MY place is anybody's guess when they could have flown into the 19 storeys downstairs. 20th storey isnt exactly the lowest place in Singapore.

2005-09-14T00:14:00.000+08:00

die bitch die. it's dead. yay, one up for donovan versus the bugs. disgusting shit retreated to under the clothes rack to die. when i gassed it more. sadistically. gee, that's so pro-nazi. ahhh... the two insecticides really work. only problem is, my floor is all greasy from the insecticide now. ahhh, and there's the dead thing to dispose of. yuuuuucck....

2005-09-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD. bloody big. roach. in my house... on the bloody glass of my sliding door of the balcony. which means, it's vertical. which means it's on the wall. which means it bloody FLIES. a flying roach, my worst phobia. shit. time to bring out the big guns: 2 insecticides. one to deal with flying insects, the other to kill roaches fast. double action should bring it down quick. disgusting shit.

2005-09-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

haha. i haven't been much troubled by prelims lei. it's like, ya it's there. it's quite big. eerm ya. and i don't study the night before for my papers so far? probably can pass my econs andlit so far, but i'm having doubts for the math paper since i haven't practiced at all. ok i admit, a lil panic there, but lol, one would think that i'll be more panicky. ahh well. dota. and new handphone. and more dota. ahhhhhh... this is bad. to think after prelims i'm going shopping for a new bag. mmm anyone wanna come along? help me pick a nice one, my fashion sense is horrible. and.. dota after prelims. joel i'll take you on since you're so pro now. =)

2005-09-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to write. but.

i concede there's a nagging feeling to blog, somehow. though i don't even know what to blog about. a possible sense of unease, just.. pulling at me. maybe its the past revisited. maybe i'm worrying too much of the future. maybe it's the screwed up revision i'm doing now, that's so way behind time. maybe. hmmmm.

something's bugging me. again.

2005-09-04T17:46:00.000+08:00

hmmm. bloodseeker can be quite sick. but must get the item build and skill build right first.

first of all no idiot needs strygwyr's thirst so early. whatcha gonna do? chase him past his tower at lvl 3 so he can turn around at half health and frostbite you for first blood? don't be stupid. now, the skill bloodrage is an interesting one. it increases your damage exponentially. trust me, when used on yourself, your damage increases to a sick extent. a +12 damage became +97 easily. and that's when i used a screwed up item build using 2 robe of magis and 1 staff of wizardry. a proper item build like sange & yasha gave me +170 plus after empowering myself. however, the skill comes with a cost: the person it is cast upon is silenced and takes 8 damage per second at lvl 4. now used upon yourself at mid to late game the 8 damage drain shouldn't be a problem to you because of your third skill, bloodbath which enables you to suck an insane amount of life upon killing something. the silence is the clincher however, since after driving enemies off in melee combat likely the duration for the empower is still on and thus you cant rupture them for a finishing move. hence, the only way around this problem is probably to rupture them first, empower yourself and turn on MoM or use hyperstone to up your attack speed so that you can get them scared quickly and try to run, thereby taking more damage from rupture. this is the way you deal with strength heroes and agil heroes who do not have much in the way of nuking or use skills alot.

against agil or nuking intel heroes, the bloodrage skill should be employed differently. one should cast it on the enemy. true, they gain an increase in damage, but by silencing them, you have effectively cut off their main attack. knowing such heroes, they have low health too, making it unreasonable they try to stay and fight you using their suddenly enhanced attack. many do not even recognise they have been empowered anyway, panicking that they suddenly cannot windwalk (clinks), blink (anti-mage) or use any nuking spells (crystal maiden and slayer). the best part is, after bringing the fight to them melee and they decide to run, you can rupture them, further ensuring their death.

the bloodseeker, though at this moment quite grossly imba, actually finds it hard to go it alone or against two heroes. the bloodseeker usually has to dt or gank enemies. that's where his skills shine. whether it is bloodraging the friendly Tiny the stone giant or rupturing and dooming together with the doombringer, the bloodseeker fares better in a team battle, causing the enemies have to make shitty choices. it's die if they stay so that they do not take damage from rupture, die if they choose to run. the only time a bloodseeker can go it alone is if he is one v one and against an agil or intel hero preferably, and one that is damaged anywhere from near death to 3/4 life. empowering yourself (in which case you should rupture the enemy first) or empowering the enemy to silence him/her then casting rupture as they run to escape should be the way to go. if you find yourself fighting the enemy hero and some creeps, if you have placed points into bloodbath, take out enemy creeps to gain back life first.

i must make a note that the bloodseeker, since an agil hero should really play it cautious from level 1 to 6. any idiot can sap your life away now, and some spamming heroes can take you down. zues is just sick versus an early bloodseeker, while vs or even skeleton king with clarity pots can make your life hell as well. think with a mentality of a melee clinks when playing level 1 to 6 bloodseeker and you should do fine.

my skill build i've had moderate success with so far would be as follows:

lvl 1: bloodrage
lvl 2: stats
lvl 3: bloodrage
lvl 4: stats
lvl 5: bloodrage
lvl 6: rupture
lvl 7: stats
lvl 8: bloodbath
lvl 9: bloodrage
lvl 10: bloodbath
lvl 11: rupture
lvl 12: bloodbath
lvl 13: strygwyr's thirst
lvl 14: bloodbath
lvl 15: strygwyr's thirst
lvl 16: rupture
lvl 17: strygwyr's thirst
lvl 18: strygwyr's thirst
lvl 19-25: stats

items that might be good for bloodseeker include the following:

eye of skadi for increased overall stats and frost attack. the frost attack will make life even more hell for your opponent since he will be hard pressed to choose to stay and fight or run, in which case you can simply rupture and turn on your speed. the increased stats boost the fragile life of the bloodseeker too while also upping his mana base, something which he has problems with as well. in this sense, an AM is bloodseeker's worse enemy.

hyperstone or Mom will help alot, since it makes an empowered bloodseeker really powerful. MoM will complement and stack with your blood making it harder for the enemy to stay and fight to go toe to toe with you.

power treads is a must. combined with the strygwyr's thirst skill the bloodseeker is nigh unbeatable in terms of chasing speed. an AM with boots of travel and has blinked will be overtaken. trust me i've seen it happen.

sange and yasha will increase your damage, maim to slow down the opponent and give you Blazing Fast ability to run faster. also a no brainer.

burize and mkb will increase your damage which would combo well with your bloodrage skill. mkb is particularly sweet in this sense, because it also increases attack speed.

remember while you are a sick hero when playing bloodseeker, it is suicide to go it alone. you're as fragile as clinks so play it defensively unless you are sure of a kill. always cooperate with teammates and you'll do fine as bloodseeker. a particular pumped clinks almost took the game once, but was driven back and killed by me and a doombringer when we simultaneously casted our ultimates on him. he whined on messages sent to All before quitting.

this is my first guide here, and please offer constructive comments and not flame so that we can all learn and improve. please tag your comments.

hahahahahaha. wtf man. should be studying.

2005-09-02T20:34:00.000+08:00

It's 12th and Hyde on a Sunday
Feeling like we're gold
And we're nothing short of invincible

It starts again
Can you feel it?
It takes your breath away
Stop saying that we're invincible

Around and round, you're uninviting, unrewarding
And I'm misinforming you
Misinforming you

We all want to be, want to be somebody
Right now we're just looking for the exit
This is the way I would have done things
Up against the wall
Up against the wall
You got me up against your wall
This is the way I would have done things
Up against the wall
Up against the wall
You got me up against your wall

It's you and me on a Monday
The lies that we told
This is where we both go numb now

You broke my heart again this time
You're fading now you crossed the line
You crossed the line

We all want to be, want to be somebody
Right now we're just looking for the exit

-//reinventing.your.exit.underoath

2005-08-20T14:03:00.000+08:00

there's something about being stuck in a coffeeshop across the road, trees rustling and coolwind blowing showers of rain into the sheltered area, sipping hot tea, thunder coming crashing down in rhythm to corrinne may's free. peace. wind. the total feeling of living in the past, living up the feelings of the past, feeling the yearnings, the urges, the emotional tugging...

...and letting go. letting it flow past. mmmm.

i can be free.

i see the morning glory
it winds upon the tree
it tells the untold story of how things were meant to be
you saw the universe
caught up in desperate dreams
you came and changed the ending
changed it to save my fate
you led the revolution
you left your legacy
embraced the struggle
in the face of mortality
i know i'm not alone in this
help me believe

i can be free
i can be free from this place
beautiful healer
beautiful grace
help me to see
everything fall into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
break these chains

it's still the same old story
this great divide
between the want and waste
and all the hunger inside
i heard the news today
now i'm trying to find my place
i'm just a single voice
what can i do to erase

all this misunderstanding
all this anarchy
six degrees of separation
sometimes it's so hard to see
that we are not alone in this
i need to believe

now i understand. six degrees of separation.

2005-08-14T15:09:00.000+08:00

Today's Forecast

You're faster than lightning and twice as bright. Use this brilliance to move something out of your way that everyone else thinks is permanent. Do it again if you have to prove your point.

lol, friendster may be quite lame and stupid sometimes, but this at least for once seems applicable. i've already moved my whiny, eternally depressed, unable-to-move-on self outta the way. now i'm gonna be nicer to others, even people i don't know or like, and be less vulgar. i can change.

2005-08-10T16:52:00.000+08:00

i've surprised myself. i haven't cursed for over a couple days now. no vulgarities whatsoever. hope i can break the habit, it's a bad one to have, especially when you're out in public and you shoot off your mouth. unlike some other people i just talked to today, who's like the old me, shooting off vulgarities in every sentence and using caps to shout online when i didn't even provoke anything. ah well, what can i say, i've got better control over my temper and mouth nowadays.

and since when have i flouted s paper in your face, or people's faces? if i did it, it was only out of talk-cock-like fun. i hate putting people down, because like i said before in the previous entry me and miah feel like shit when people ignore/make fun of us at our expense/put us down. if you choose to think i'm an arrogant prick, after all this while i've known you, all i can say is, i'm pretty sad la. some people's mind set so volatile, dunno when can joke with him or not. if i crack a joke and poke fun and that results in laughter, good times then. if not i might just get a bomb exploding in my face, like today. hai.

so i didn't study for math mid years. i never said i did. and i got 18 upon 100. so yeah, don't misquote me. and i'm no dell marie butler whose lit's so good. so what if i take s paper? it just means i enjoy and have a flair for the subject, don't mean i have to score above everyone else. and if you think so, then my reply is not everyone is perfect, and maybe i shouldn't have been nominated for it lo. no need to strike out at me. and maybe i've lousy willpower, always dota-ing. sorry la, my life to screw up right, not yours... it's just a question, if you don't wanna come along then don't la. at least i bothered to ask you since i thought you were my friend and a potential playmate (eh wait, that didn't come out right, haha).

whatever man.

Promises - Matchbook Romance

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you

2005-08-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

i can't believe that i've been so down the past few months that today when i started greeting people with exclamation marks and more 'hahas', people started asking is this donovan or someone else! some even said it was freaky... omg.

well all i can say is i guess i feel free. gotten over already! yay. actually, it's been this way for some past few weeks already, but just that i guess today i totally feel free and over it. must be the 80 bucks earphones dad got for me today... haha, thanks pop. =)

well, had a talk with miah today online. we may look like we can take a joke, but turns out both of us break down or wanna reply back with heat when ppl suan or doolan us. just that we don't. because it's for everyone's betterment. better to go home and cry in the shower or shout along to angry power chords in the bedroom than to let it out there and then. i found out that i wasn't the only insecure person around. i'm not alone in feeling weird or left out when people don't call me out to go out or just say hi and talk to me. mmm like he said "we're all fighting the same big battle". too true too true. see ya on wednesday on the dota battlefield miah. may the best man win. =)

alright, better go maximise studying time these holidays while i can... bye bye people.

2005-08-05T23:00:00.000+08:00

mmmm.

*dark bus rides home, looking out the window.
*crazy danny shuffling on the floor in far east to charge himself up electrostatically to zap people.
*crazy danny unzipping pants and lifting skirts of mannequins.
*crazy danny.
*spastic james, just being himself.
*copying the entire econs mock from james.
*redoing my blog design to something less frilly.
*reshaping my attitude to get rid of useless thoughts.
*realigning my life to necessary goals for now.
*trying to fill that void in my chest, still.

i won't pass these up for the world.

2005-08-02T19:47:00.000+08:00

oh gawd. now im bag and i am blind, unaber to smell and taste. i hab de fru. i am sneezing so bad dad my eyez ar watering and my noze iz stug. my jore throat stop me from eating anything.

*ahhh-chooo. ahhh-chooo.*

dis suz. hep me i gawd de fru.

2005-07-31T21:38:00.000+08:00

mmmm. i love the feeling of stubbed fingertips from too much guitar playing! ahhh, new school week. damn. 1 more week closer to the As.

the president's star charity. damn poor thing yeah. it started around 7 plus, and until now at 9.40pm they only raised 300 k over bucks. so sad, my dad donated 50 himself. i think that enough protest has been logged over that mr-my-annual-salary-of-600k-is-peanuts-and-i-have-a-dick-face durai issue. dont let real charities and people who need our support suffer because of that arsehole. hai. and what about the blind busker in orchard underpass? you know the one who plays his keyboard and people cringe at the 'noise'? the one people dont give a second look? how many of you people can say you gav ehim spare change or even a dollar or two? bah... you know he's calling the hotline 10 times tonight when he gets home, what about you rich kids with your crumplers, handphones, comfortable 50 bucks a week allowance? get a life man.

on another note, happy birthday louis, sanjay, ben tay, alicia! =)

2005-07-29T20:39:00.000+08:00

As you walk the path of least resistance
Is it as simple as you claim it to be?
Your tongue, your eyes
Your lies, they do decieve you

I stand firm in my solidarity
The path I walk, I walk it with my own resolve
When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

My beliefs are not antiquated
We are the hope
Silence them all with not just words
Let resolution be our voice

I stand firm in my solidarity
The path I walk, I walk it with my own resolve
When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

We are the remnant
We the remnant will silence them all
We are the faithful
We the faithful will silence them all

When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

-//when.darkness.falls.killswitch.engage

2005-07-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

oh. my. god. first time i log into friendster and see the downturned arrow next to most of my friends, which so called indicates a bad relationship with that person currently. while it isn't really true in the literal aspect, i guess it reflects how i've been feeling recently.

this is what my horoscope says: You know what you want, what you're willing to do for it, and you'll recognize it when it arrives. But until then, an act of Congress won't move you. Mention that if a young, inexperienced clerk insists on tailing you.

lol. i don't really believe all those arrows or horoscopes generally, but there's something to it. i'm not gonna sound all so loser-fied here or something, but shit man, this period seems to be a period of loss. i lost my academic equilibrium, now i'm struggling with alot of backdated assignments, homeworks and files to be handed up, not to mention must study for all the future mock tests and all. FOE for mid years is totally screwed up la. i lost contact somehow, with quite afew of my friends in CJ. somehow i just feel i aint talking to them right, if i talk to them at all. just feel that after all the dusts settles and stuff, i'm alone or something. crap la. this just feels like they dont bother talking to me already, or if they do its only for superficial stuff, like they dont give a shit anymore what happens beneath the surface.

actually now that i've written it out it kinda feels stupid. but damnit, if you care at all come up and talk to me la, or tag me, or write me a testimonial, or do SOMETHING. i'm just feeling insecure again.

_{here in this diary
i write you visions of my summer
it was the best i ever had
there were choruses and sing alongs
and that unspoken feeling
of knowing that right now is all that matters

all the nights we stayed up talking
listening to 80's songs
and quoting lines from all those movies that we love
it still brings a smile to my face

i guess when it coems down to it...

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
these are the best days ofourlives
the only thing that matters is just following your heart
and eventually, you'll finally get it right

breaking into hotel swimming pools
and wreaking havoc on our world
hanging out at truckstops just to pass the time
the blacktop's singing me to sleep

lighting fireworks in parking lots
illuminate the blackest nights
cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky
2015 riverside, it's time to say goodbye.}

you were never really there. and never really meant for me. but i'll survive. cause i'll try.

2005-07-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

hmmm. today was the 30th sc appreciation ceremony, and the 31st sc investiture at night. all i have to say is, after watching terry's video montage on all the things we did before with all the pictures of us, the 30th, i miss your guys already. just think, we'll not get to even work on major projects together anymore. and with us all going crazy tonight at the reception and even during the investiture itself, laughing like idiots at everything, snapping pictures away like we were all hollywood stars or something. all i can say is, to the 31st, there will be times where you guys will love being in council, times you'll find rewarding and satisfying pulling off a major project by working together, times you'll find that the workload in council sucks. take it all, because that's all you've got. for a short single year. to those of the 31st i know: christian, trishia, xiao an, vanessa, hafiz, cheryl, jessebella, christine, graham, jing da, claudio, joshuas, natasha, anne, sarah ... and others i either havent gotten to know yet or forgot, good luck and god bless.

organise some 30th-31st outing sometime soon! some informal thing without teachers, haha.

Let's start out by starting over.
What did I expect?
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks.
But you're so untouchable.
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.
I'm terrible at this, you know.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

And I bet you've got every word I said
memorized in your head.
And you'll use every one of them,
and you'll use every one of them against me.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
(Tell all your friends about me)
Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me.
And realize how many times I've tried, but that's wishful thinking.
All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.

-//lovers.and.liars.matchbook.romance

2005-07-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

and so an epoch ends. while another begins. now, it's no longer our show. it's your show, 31st student council cjc. run it well and leave behind a greater legacy than ours. as i step down, i recall the fights, the hard work, the late nights, the endless people i complained to while i was doing council work, preparing for event after event. the orientation booklet for O1 and 2. the massive planning for orientation 2. the late afternoons spent trashing out the program with mr tan and my other committee heads. the late nights spent typing those programs out. arrgh.

anyway, it's all over. so to those whom i've always been complaining to about the work i do, *grumble grumble*, like rui zhen, colin, james, pido, jeremy, cheryl, louis... and countless others, you can rest now. you won't hear no more complaints from me staying up late and doing council work. haha. in a way, i miss wearing that gold weight on my shirt already...

oh, and i passed my standing broad jump today! hah. you fags, you can stop laughing at me and my 200cm jump (especially a certain someone who brags shejumps 10 cm more than me!) now i jump 227 ok, i've my silver and no need to worry about an extra one month for BMT. wooohoooo! =)

2005-07-24T12:08:00.000+08:00

lazy mornings waking up at ten. throwing on a cap to keep my standing matted hair down. shuffling to macs across the road for breakfast and sitting alone outside the air-conditioned cafe to my meal. listening to tunes and looking at the trees while sipping tea. rainy afternoons with the pattering of rain against the windows. dishwalla cranking out music to feed the soul.

it doesnt get any better than this. for once i feel great, without having to talk to friends, or go and hang out in town which usually results in dota. even with an overdue gp essay on the idea of a university, or with a lit s paper on a book i cant stand: jim crace - being dead, also overdue. or with an econs mock next week for which i haven't started studying for. or with the iminent coming of the crazy ting's wrath come monday, since i lost matthew's gp file (sorry man, really), or because i haven't found my mc to explain my absence last monday, or because my gp essay is overdue, or because my parents skipped ptm on saturday. hah.

alot of people want me dead on monday. not to mention the people i owe money to, haha been borrowing alot. crap.

but. there's still this. cliched 'i-am-feeling-at-peace-with-what's-happening-now' mood. must be the warm shower i just had. ahhh. great, time to get down to work.