if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Thursday, August 26, 2004 [[*sweet rapture right? It ends here tonight..]]


holding my last breath - evanescence

::echoes::

i know i haven't blogged for some while. so sue me, i'm busy and too wrecked up to bother blogging. only reading jean's blog that i feel obligated to pen something down. i've been keeping this inside for far too long i guess. i'm holding my last breath. afraid to breathe for fear that i may do something wrong. people i know are telling me why am i so hesitant... so unsure when giving orders... i guess i just am not used to being in a leadership position. i'm too used to taking orders. now thrust into the decision making seat, i freeze. sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice, joining council. now i wonder if the feeling of wanting to step forward to serve was the right one, going through all the things i am going through right now. i foul up so many things. i've pissed so many people off. i've let so many people down. just what the fuck is wrong with me man? i wish i knew myself. you all say "we wanna see the donovan before! the donovan before and during LTC, the donovan giving orders and inspiring people". you ask where is that donovan. that my friends is the same bloody question i'm posing to myself. maybe it's the politics. maybe it's dealing with some people and issues that's been getting me down. or maybe i can stop blaming the circumstances and deal with it. then again it's all talk anyway. No Action Talk Only (NATO) seems to be my tag these days.

blame me i guess. i don't know how to deal with this. i'm just tired. tired of council politics, tired of council, tired of myself, tired of being a loser, tired of homework, tired of the negative things here and there, tired... just plain fucking tired. There: it's out then. I. Am. Tired. And before people start berating me that THEY are tired or that i have no right to be tired... damnit i know. and i'm entitled to my right to be tired.

but from now on. this is it. i'm shaping up, i hope. regarding council. i don't give a damn if i didn't meet up to mark last time. if i screwed up last time. if i was blur last time. this time i'm taking charge. i'm giving orders and people better follow them. enough of trying to step aside and please people so people will accept me. from now on, i'm just gonna do my job. i don't have to be friends with everyone and if you get in my way of doing my job or don't meet up to mark starting from now, you've got one thing coming at you.

::echoes::

ever wonder why? i do. i wonder why is it that after you start liking someone, anyone, that if it doesnt work out you seem to jump from one to another after you get over it. if you get over it. but once bitten twice shy, i dont wanna risk it all again. but you know the way one longs for someone close enough to share things with, to share life with...as close as family, as parents, but someone your own age... maybe..just maybe..


`donovan. |11:35 PM|

Friday, August 06, 2004 [[oh wow! a new day!]]


talk about friendliness. esther took the definition of friendliness with teachers to one more level yesterday. as we were walking out of school mr tan stopped to talk to us from his car and concluding the conversation, esther said 'bye uncle'. the results were hilarious and as expected. mr tan didn't let us down by not screaming in reply 'uncle??!' haha and he mentioned joy smiling all the time in class: i find that abit unnerving yeah. Like here's Differentiation, a tough math topic people are trying to master and are just frowning thinking about it and shes smiling? =) Anyway, on to today's stuff.

::echoes::

today had national day celebrations. thank god i was doing council duty while my class was trying to embaress themselves in front of the whole school. but seriously, i applaude their spirit because it's soemthing no one will ever get me to do. so cheerios to that. went out for a lunch gathering with the 29th and 30th council at pastamania. ivan asked me a truth question too dangerous to answer so i darnk down the dare: tobasco sauce, salt, pepper and spices mixed into ice remaining at the bottom of a drink cup. It burned for 30 mins afterward. ouch. after the lunch we adjourned to SJI for the Annual Parade and I left halfway. The standard is getting from bad to worse.

::echoes::

"oh wow! another new day to wake up to! another day to screw more things up yeah!" do you ever get the feeling when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed that shit man, this is going to be a baaad day...? I get it everyday most of the time. how cool is that huh. if it's not personal stuff, it's homework..if it's not homework, it's council. A never ending cycle. and one day you're feeling all fine and dandy. and another you plummet down again. someone once said that life's full of ups and downs with mountain tops and valleys. i seem to be digging from one valley to the next.


`donovan. |8:37 PM|

Thursday, August 05, 2004 [[fuck it.]]


fuck it. i shouldn't have to run. fuck it. i shouldn't have to get prejudged. fuck it. i shouldn't have to deal with this. fuck it. i shouldn't have stepped forward. fuck it. i shouldn't have to be scolded. fuck it. i shouldn't have to have fingers point at me. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it.


`donovan. |9:36 PM|