if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Thursday, September 30, 2004 [[*and to you, my brother, who will this day, die with me]]


Amazing how I discovered a great conincidence today. It just couldn't be. But it happened... and I'm laughing at the improbability of it now. Memorable MSN conversation. =) To quote a friend's blog on how similar our situation was:

_{Arrgh, i know i shouldn't be so bastardly lah, thats why i'm restraining myself.
I do not want him to hate me or what, and i know i have no right to barge in liek that.
I do not want to be a bastard.
I do not want history to repeat itself.
But i do not want to feel lonely.}

::echoes::

aptm: you're my double man. =D


`donovan. |7:58 PM|

Wednesday, September 29, 2004 [[*in retrospect]]


thank god. i needed to get that out last night. i feel kinda better now..as long as i dont bump into certain people i dont wanna see these days...


`donovan. |6:27 PM|

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 [[*the moon looks lovely..]]


here i am, at 10.52pm, blogging down my angst and frustration because there's no kindred spirit to talk to online, or to call because it's too late. i should be studying. then again, i should be getting somewhere, should be doing something more, should be this, and that. it always falls short doesnt it.

i looked out of tanglin CC after night study at nearly 10pm and guess what: i couldnt even see the moon. ahh..the sky: something about it just seems to appeal to me aesthetically. i made a new observation today: it seems i'm not good at anything. sure, i suppose i can learn how to do stuff..but i never end up really pro at it. my badminton's average...my soccer's newbie... my promos preparation is like crap and it scares me that it's crap but what scares me more is that i'm powerless to do anything about it. if you've been following my past entries or something, or know me personally close enough to guess what i'm trying to sort through now, you'll know why i feel this way.

i suppose a vast majority of people in CJ are just the 'hi' and 'bye' sort. how many superficial friends do i have: let me count the ways... i'm up to a hell lot. how many true friends do i have on the same wavelength as me: let me count the ways.... i'm still trying to count. so many of my singaporean friends are just living for the moment. its either study now, or play now, or all of the above. no one seems to be thinking what they really wanna achieve in life, what they wanna do, what they wanna be, how they're gonna take steps to achieve it. people who can do this, and talk to me on a serious philosophical level, those are the people on the same wavelength as me. and i just realised there are so piteously few.

how many people do i know because of my cca as a student councilor? how many out of those i can trust as close friends: as people who would take the bullet for me if they needed to. don't bother counting, or answering that question. the answer is hanging in the dead silence of cyberspace as you read this.

who can you trust?

i like to tell myself she doesn't affect me no more. but i lie. i lie to myself alot. and i believe the lies. tell me sweet, lil lies.

lemme list the recent failings i have had:

1) failed to get into OCIP
2) failed to prepare well for the promos and as such, will probably fug it up
3) failed to display true leadership in council
4) failed to live up to the son that my parents expect of and deserve to have
5) failed to choose properly (see previous entry)
6) failed to be honest with myself

and the list goes on and on and on... steven covey talks about achieving private then public victories. hell, i haven't even achieved private victories with myself, how the hell am i gonna achieve public victories and become good at something?

damn it all. the failings. the shortcomings. the isolation of the human condition. the superficialness of most Singaporeans. the flimsyness of so-called friendships. the lousy circumstances. the sordid inability of mine to rectify it even though i know of these problems (and yes, that's an excuse. so there.) damn it all to hell and back. damn you, damn me, damn everybody.

crap-o.


`donovan. |10:35 PM|

Monday, September 27, 2004 [[*closure of yet another chapter?]]


this will be the third time i'm walking away from it. fugging hell. what's wrong with my choice always...just don't get it. It's unfair, goddamnit.

fug this


`donovan. |7:46 PM|

Thursday, September 23, 2004 [[*you.know? maybe.tomorrow]]


Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Been down and I'm wondering why
These little black clouds keep walking around with me, with me
Waste time and I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile but be free, be all free
So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautifiul life
I been the upper side of down; been the inside of out but we breathe, we breathe
I wanna a breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean, wanna take my time for me, it's all free

So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home

Maybe..just maybe..

::echoes::

just why does it always happen this way...this fucked up way. it never falls into place..and i always have to get burnt in the end. stupid heart.


`donovan. |10:45 PM|

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 [[so many questions, so little time..]]


as per council stuff and school work: i'm tackling it. as per donovan matters, only one question to those who know and understand: goddamnit, WHY?


`donovan. |11:03 PM|

Monday, September 20, 2004 [[touching.evil]]


I. Am. So. Fucking. Sick. Of. This. Bullshit. I. Am. Sick. Of. My. Desires, My. Arguments. Is. There. Any. Way. I. Can. Resolve. This. Whole. Load. Of. Bullshit. Problems?

WHY?


`donovan. |11:46 PM|

Saturday, September 18, 2004 [[you'll never see me coming]]


Hah. Just like the Glimmerman. Woosh and you're hit. I may well be called the Glimmerman just as I sit here blogging. Not because I am a psychotic and pervertic killer (well maybe I am... but that's not the point), but because I'm glistening all over from sweat now. I just ran around jurong west, a 4 klick run.

Ow, my thighs hurt: I just got wassuped today after we did Weixiang cause I gave him "The Shoe" too hard and he wanted revenge. Of course, Pido, Gughan and the rest of ODAC were a bloodthirsty mob and they were eager to have an excuse to set on me and I got not just what Weixiang got, but something like a "7 Course Dinner". I got head-butted, knee-dropped, head-butt cum somersault, wooden-planked, broomsticked, "The Shoe"-ed back, and basketballed. There may well have been more but I suppose I was half-dazed from pain already. Oh and Julia rammed a soccer ball at me at narrowly missed.

Thank god.

::echoes::

"For if such actions may have passage free, bondslaves and pagans shall our statesmen be." - Othello Act I Sc 2, Brabantio.

"I have it. It is engendered. Hell and Night must bring this monstrous birth to the world's light." - Othello Act I Sc 3, Iago.



`donovan. |7:27 PM|

Friday, September 17, 2004 [[how to be irritating to others]]


found this while blog hopping: www.getannoyed.com. Here are some of the listed things in the above site:

Announce when you're going to the bathroom.

Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.

Ask people what gender they are.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."

Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.

Call every girl you know "dude".

Call everyone a communist.

Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Pee in the swimming pool.

Race the old woman for the last bus seat.

Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!"

::echoes::

I find my interactions with friends nowadays are getting more and more hilarious, laughing more and more all the time. Oh and my social circle never seems to stop expanding: is that good or bad? Sigh. On another note: don't say I didn't give you a chance sucker. You wanna play with fire? You will get burnt. This is open war. En guard. I'll see you in hell!


`donovan. |11:07 PM|

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 [[i love exams!]]


god, i just love exams. The promos are coming up, and i know not where to start revising. and i know time is running out fast. yet i'm still having fun talking crap with friends and contemplating life in general. stupid shit really. oh and i got my chinese mock back: 38/85! which translates into 44.7 % which rounded up, is 45! Which is the same mark i got for the mid years! This ain't half bad considering that my past history of chinese tests in SJI was such that i passed 3 times in 4 years.

gotta go mug...sigh... this feeling is shit. The promos are merely 3 weeks away and i cant start. talk about cold engine start up. like the damn spark wont ignite. just goes : pppffftt. (courtesy of rachel!).

still all and all.. with work piling up, and teachers hounding me and the promos looming up like the proverbial executioner... things are manageable, still, for now. how long more i can last with my head above stormy deep waters is another thing. never before has the bottom quoted line made more sense or been more apt.

You're all I wanted, all my dreams are falling down; crawling around. Somebody saaave me! / Remy Zero


`donovan. |11:11 PM|

Saturday, September 11, 2004 [[it's been a while]]


Life isn't fair. Then again, it never is.

It's been a while since I could hold my head up high
It's been a while since I first saw you
It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again
It's been a while since I could call you

And everything I can remember
Is how fucked up passe it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I've stretched myself beyondmy means

It's been a while since I could say that I wasn't addicted
It's been a while since I could say that I loved myself as well and
It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do and
It's been a while but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can remember
Is fucked up passe it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Again..

Why must I feel the same?
Just make this go away.

And it's been a while since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
And it's been a while since I saw the way candles light your face
And it's been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can remember
Is fucked up passe it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been a while since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry


`donovan. |5:46 PM|

Thursday, September 09, 2004 [[*questionnaire]]


Don't look at me. I was bored from doing math.

1. Shampoo- Lux Super Rich
2. Bags- Deuter
3. Shirt- Anything plain and dull coloured (black/white/grey)
4. Sweaters - In this weather? Are you out of your frikkin mind?
5. Shoes - Nike
6. Socks- White, black, navy blue ankle socks
7. Toothpaste - Colgate
8. Face cleanser - T3
9. Computer- G3 Macintosh
10. Wallet- Black leather
11. School Bags- Deuter
13. Cell- Nokia 8310
14. Watch- Silver Seiko
15. Clock - Any one with a sufficiently loud alarm
16.Pillow case/bedsheets- Pokemon
17. Furnitures- Anything strong enough to hold up my mess in my room
18. Cups- Pikachu cup
19. Magazines- Inquest, 8 Days, FIRST
20. Dream Cars- Ferrari
21. Chocolate- Diary Milk Chocolate
22. Candy- Hate most candy
23. Medicine- Panadol
24. Chips- Sour Cream
25. Popcorn- Sweet
27. Motorcyle- The one Trinity used in Matrix Reloaded
28. camera- that slim small one
29. perfume- Boss in motion

*************************************************
I AM: who I am, mysterious, funny, crazy, dark and seething, contemplative
I WANT: someone to understand me intimately
I HAVE: a rational mind and a cold, cold heart
I WISH: I had earth-shaking wisdom
I HATE: two-facedness
I MISS: The good old Green and White of SJI
I FEAR: nothing but the grim reaper
I LISTEN: Rock, Pop, Metal, Soundtracks
I WONDER: at the very wonder of the world existing, at the vastness of our universe
I REGRET: I do not have enough time comparatively to appreciate this wonder
I LOVE: My friendships, oh and most of all..myself
I ALWAYS: stand by my close friends
I SING: horribly..but I sing anyhow
I CRY: hardly except when I"m passionate or very angry or both and yawning
I AM NOT ALWAYS: nice..when I"m moody I"m an asshole
I AM CONFUSED: when I do not see the light

YES OR NO
You keep a diary: Yes
You like to cook: Yes and No (Yes, I like cooking, No I hate the heat)
You have a secret you have not shared with
anyone: Yes
You believe in love: No

The Weirdest person you know: Charles Lazaroo, but he"s cool man.
The Loudest Person you know: Pravin Raj
The Sexiest Person you know: Classified (With the people reading my blog I can"t have anything scandalous written here..but if you wanna know, come look for me =] )

Do You...?

Have a (any) crush (es): I suppose
Want to get married: Later..much later
Think you're a health freak: In some ways..
Get along with your parents: We have ups and downs..sometimes more downs than ups
Eye Colour: Jet mysterious black
Birthplace: Singapore

(FAVORITES)
NUMBER (S): 6
DAY: Saturday
MONTH(s): January
FOOD: Anything Jap
Drinks: Tea or coffee or soft dinks (rarely)
CHOCOLATE MILK or Vanilla: Chocolate milk



`donovan. |8:04 PM|

Monday, September 06, 2004 [[*love?]]


i've been thinking and asking one of those ethical questions since i was in the mood. i was thinking whether it was ethical to breakup a couple to get the girl. This doesn't necessarily mean that i'm thinking of committing that myself but just some thoughts running through my mind. You know, on one hand you have the saying 'do unto others as you would have others do unto you'. But what gughan said got me thinking. " Why don't you just wait? I mean, the way youth our age in Singapore get together and break up, it's no biggie. People get together and wham bam they break up at most 6 months to a year later, if not sooner. And it always happens on msn. And while you may wait and you may get the girl in the end, yours won't last as well because it's off the same nature as the previous relationship and you'll find yourself calling it quits months later... on msn "

Ok the last bit about msn was funny, but i suppose there IS some truth in that. I mean, we moved from whether it was ethical of not to break people up from the very nature of relationships in Singapore. Sad but true, most don't last at our age. So no point going all out. Gives you more time to appreciate your platonic friendships and life itself. I guess admitting that and not making a relationship a top priority helps me gain my confidence back.. somewhat. I mean we should all heck care man! Let's all just laze around. If anything happens it happens. Carpe diem and seize the day and opportunity but only if it comes around. If not, well laaaazzeee..... =0 )

"i still believe my feelings, but sometimes i feel too much" - the distance / evan and jaron



`donovan. |7:17 PM|

Thursday, September 02, 2004 [[new lang yeah]]


it seems that praseeda and i have come up with a new language...here's a transcript of what we 'talked' about today on msn inpromptu:

D: Hello
P: Hi
D: salutations
P: hmmm
D: ?
P: bkij l l;j lkj/ /l lk/ l;l;nbhbvhvj kctfciyt ikutfy o67rf
D: paiuy4597q365087hdklfgjhakldh!
D: opauywpeoy 397845609127ljasnf;al jsrp8ypuhafpo3u4y 2 52 5'123pIP! !!!!!!!
P: jkkn hjbhjbkbk.l
D: reakl;jh??? aklughio7*(@%^($! 39576 LJhajkh !!!!
P:  guatgnbaa ap aash hsajilk !!
D: akgdw1e2a..... akdgqyui.... O&^8asgyt9683594 !!!
P:  !!#$%AQ ayf aiuh fn alljksn vp;ahn nsj a;phnb awdb
D: awiugdiwug... agdiawygd "q97q97" akbdskhg!! akdg!! askjd!! askjdhak!! AKSDHAK!!!!!
P: hhiahana ;ahnajjh
D: awiugdw,,,
P: uunba akjhbns
D: ahsweussjtgitwuysjguiershskjhfaouhtouaht *askudghasukgd ...... aisudgaisgD!!!

amazing what boredom does to the mind aint it?


`donovan. |7:09 PM|

Wednesday, September 01, 2004 [[someday, somehow]]


How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren' t we able?
To see the signs that we missed
try to turn the tables.
I wish you would unclench your fists,
And unpack your suitcase
lately there' s been to much of this
but don' t think its too late

nothings wrong
just as long
as you know that someday I will
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you' re wondering when
you' re the only one that knows that
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you' re wondering when

well I' d hope that since we' re here anyway
we can end up saying
things that we always needed to say
so we can end up staying
now the stories played out like this
just like a paperback novel
lets re-write an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror

nothings wrong
just as long
as you know that someday I will
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you' re wondering when
you' re the only one that knows that
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you' re wondering when

youre the only one that knows that

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why werent we able?
To see the signs that we missed
try to turn the tables.
Now the stories played out like this
just like a paperback novel
lets re-write an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror
nothings wrong
just as long
as you know that someday I will

someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know youre wondering when
youre the only one that knows that
someday
some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know youre wondering when

I know youre wondering when
youre the only one that knows that
I know youre wondering when
youre the only one that knows that
I know youre wondering when

::echoes::

On another hand, a big thank you to EVERYONE including councilors invovled in teachers' day and helped us.. the sleepless nights and sweat and worries were well spent! It was a great success with positive responses from the school population mainly. THANK YOU.



`donovan. |8:44 PM|