Wednesday, December 15, 2004
[[
*swirling vortex of void]]
you know. i've learnt to be grateful for small favours. given what's been thrown at me this whole year: coping with a new cca council, my ups and downs of my feelings, the As, and not-a-very-fun year in class, i've got it good already now. this whole end of the year has been fairly good to me in fact. i've managed to get by in council, become more mature in dealing and understanding my feelings, got fairly decent though not necessarily the best grades, went for fun and eye opening trips like India OCIP and Farmland and found a new class to hang out with (thank you t19!).
now what's only bugging me is the fact that the holidays are drawing to a close, and i haven't started consolidating my work, or my holiday homework. Or that i haven't been finding time to fence. Or that i'm just starting on electric guitar and though i wanna get good fast, i'm stuck at this beginner stage. (yeah i know: duh.) Or that orientation is BIG and i don't want the council to screw this up; we've come so far and all major events executed by us i.e. Teachers' Day and Grad Night have been a success. Or that i still don't know what to do with my feelings for
her. you'll think that after nearly two months i would have been able to decide what to do about them, or at least forget about being more than just a friend. i'm just so goddamned afraid to be turned away, burnt, rejected, etc etc again. so for now, i'm just drifting on a directionless course with
you. i'll take it as it comes. maybe it's still too soon to decide anyway. i won't know. i'm confused.
but amidst all this, i'll say that recently, i haven't had much of either moods: up or down. Usually i'm wildly high (which is very rare though), or i'm down in the pits like i've been there all my life (which is irritatingly very common). Recently though i find that i haven't been high, as usual, but i haven't been down either. Down in the pits anyway, since occasional bouts of depression are like, normal, i think. haha. so yeah, been feeling void really. not high, but not down. void in my heart, but not sad. just.
devoid of all feelings.
haha, so after this stock taking, i guess i feel a lil better after letting it out. wasn't down just now, but now i'm feeling slightly happier. but then again, this is all getting a lil mushy and all. why do
you care so much about my inner stuff anyway? haha, this world's funny. everyone goes around cold and all, but in reality they're really just displaying a shell to the outside world, one which is meant to protect. if it's meant to protect, why do you hurt yourself so each time you close up and hide your inner feelings? ahh, food for thought there.
::echoes::
regarding you: it's still early to tell i guess. it's been two months, almost. and by now, i still don't know what i truly feel regarding you. i pray that it's just a passing crush that i can easily swipe aside so that i won't run the risk of getting rejected later. but each passing day that i go on and think of you here and there, regardless of time or place, i dread that this time, it may not be just a crush and it may be true. i remind myself that i shouldn't be thinking of you in that way, and that may just scare you away, but this is the truth which i'm not lying to myself. if anything, lies and not truth are the culprits that hurt people, just in ways not as obvious as truths do. so what am i to do? just chill i guess. true, the feeling's not as strong as the first day i saw you. i don't feel that strongly whenever i see you now. but you haunt my every thought whenever i'm away from you as much as you did since that first day. god, this is so...complicated and... if you're reading this, i never intended for this to happen the way it did. and i don't ever want to change the nature of our friendship. for now anyway. until i know better. until my heart stops playing tricks on my mind.
tired of this all.
`donovan. |7:38 PM|
