if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Sunday, February 27, 2005 [[]]


I quote from Brave New World, the cursed book i have to study from for my exams.

John: "But I like the inconveniences."
Mond: "We don't. We prefer to do things comfortably."
John: "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
Mond: "In fact, you're claiming the right to be unhappy."
John: "All right, then, I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."
Mond: "Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to have syphilis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow; theright to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind."

Long silence

John: "I claim them all."

Those who never read the book or take literature, haha you won't understand the extract above. but what prompted me to write about this was my situation. and how a friend's msn nick got me thinking. his nick was "we've only got a 100 years to live". it's a line from the song 100 years by five for fighting. and though i'm very familiar with it and can play it on the piano, the lyrics never really got me thinking until now. yeah, you know, we really have only 100 years to live. we're nearly into our first fifth of our time on this earth, and what have we done so far? for ourselves? for others? can we truly say that we have lived our life so far to the fullest? the extract above, it describes what it is to be truly human, to truly feel.

if we're gonna take the ups of life, the high ones: getting straight As for exams, having many loyal and close friends around you, getting a great job that pays well, finding the love of your life, having a family and so on, we're obliged to take the downs as well no? the sharp spikes of emotion are double sided. if we feel really happy, we can feel really sad as well. depression, death, disease are all incarnations of the other side of life's coin. some of us, we can say that life's been flipping tails alot for us. but there are always two sides to it. life won't suck forever. we're human goddamnit, we're blessed/cursed with the ability to feel, whether we feel great or lousy is up to us and how we interpret our current circumstance. and we've only got a hundred years to live, so why make the decision to feel lousy, when we can choose to see things in a different perspective? it's not that difficult really, just reach out and make that change of paradigm.

i think it's not really a problem of being able to shift that perspective. we just don't wanna. i think deep down, we lament our condition too much, we wallow in self pity. oh poor so-and-so, why is this happening? why can't i have made a different decision then, why did i allow this to happen? it's easier to wallow in self pity and depression, unable to move on, than to take active steps to think about it in a different way, because it takes effort, it takes strength. and not all of us are willing to go that mile. some of us aren't even capable of going that extra mile to see thigns differently, because we're far too bound up in our emotions of the present.

ah well, all i can say is, i think i've managed to see things differently. after all, "15, there's never a wish better than this, when you've only got a hundred years to live."





`donovan. |7:49 PM|

[[]]


when will we talk again? truly talk. i wonder. =(


every.little.thing.dishwalla


`donovan. |1:34 AM|

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 [[]]


Thank you for makin all that noise tonight we really appreciate it, your far to kind


Now can I get an encore, do you want more
Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boys
So for one last time I need y'all to roar
Now what the hell are you waitin for
After me, there shall be no more
So for one last time people make some noise

Who you know fresher than Hov'? Riddle me that
The rest of y'all know where I'm lyrically at
Can't none of y'all mirror me back
Yeah hearin me rap is like hearin G. Rap in his prime
I'm, young H.O., rap's Grateful Dead
Back to take over the globe, now break bread
I'm in, Boeing jets, Global Express
Out the country but the blueberry still connect
On the low but the yacht got a triple deck
But when you Young, what the fuck you expect? Yep, yep
Grand openin, grand closin
Damn your man Hov' cracked the can open again
Who you gon' find doper than him with no pen
just draw off inspiration
Soon you gon' see you can't replace him
with cheap imitations for these generations

Now can I get an encore, do you want more
Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boys
So for one last time I need y'all to roar

Now what the hell are you waitin for
After me, there shall be no more
So for one last time, nigga make some noise

Now Look what you made me do, look what I made for you
Knew if I paid my dues, how will they pay you
When you first come in the game, they try to play you
Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you
From Marcy to Madison Square
To the only thing that matters in just a matter of years (yea)
As fate would have it, Jay's status appears
to be at an all-time high, perfect time to say goodbye
When I come back like Jordan, wearin the 4-5
It ain't to play games witchu
It's to aim at you, probably maim you
If I owe you I'm blowin you to smithereeens
Cocksucker take one for your team
And I need you to remember one thing (one thing)
I came, I saw, I conquered
From record sales, to sold out concerts
So muh'fucker if you want this encore
I need you to scream, 'til your lungs get sore




I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Become soo numb

can I get an encore, do you want more, more, more, more
I've become so numb

One last time I need y'all to roar
One last time I need y'all to roar
MAKE SOME NOISE

-//numb.encore.linkin.park.feat.jay.Z



hmmm, now how am i gonna change those lyrics for my grand finale?

like the song, i too. have become numb. to all this. the stress. the pressure. this.


`donovan. |11:19 PM|

Monday, February 21, 2005 [[]]


fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. jealousy arises from fear of losing something/someone to another entity. therefore jealousy = hate. and it is interesting too to note then that hate and love are just two sides of a coin, two edges to a blade. and its real easy to swing from love to hate. and since jealousy = hate, does jealousy = love? food for thought.



i'm jealous too.


`donovan. |12:18 AM|

Sunday, February 20, 2005 [[]]


fuck you. fuck this. it's not fair. damnit. damn you. damn me and my foolish heart. why can't i be there? like aeons ago. when this was all alright. when i was alright.



jealousy. ha.



wishful musing.


got raped by ITE again for team fencing. heck, i even had the opponents blade go under my mask and jab me on my neck area so hard the blade bent upwards before freeing it from my armour.

we lost. and i'm here raging. at me. at this. at it all. at you. at my work. at my karma. at my life. at how fucking sucky this all is. i DESERVE BETTER FOR WHAT I GIVE YOU PEOPLE DAMNIT. karma: what goes around comes around. i've been nice to a hell lotta people, all my friends and i've always tried to do my best and juggling things. WHEN IS MY DUE COMING?



i'm afraid i cant wait that long. how much longer i can live like this, i don't know. hell, this is hell. set me free dude.


`donovan. |11:16 PM|

Saturday, February 19, 2005 [[]]


realised i haven't been blogging much lately. just, no mood i guess. and as i've learnt from before, some things are better left unsaid ya. else it'll cause alot of people alot of chaos and pain. anyways, fencing competition tomorrow! to my brothers gabriel, kai pin and calixtus, we'll beat the rest of them yet. go team d! haha.. even though my blade's having problems. hai, hope i'll get used to jeraldine's french grip.

you know it's actually working, by reminding myself of the upcoming CTs, Orientation, immersing myself in fencing competition and school work and orientation, i'm actually feeling better. and to hell with everyone else! hell yeah. i wonder how long this euphoria will last. it's like a drug, hope it doesnt harm me in the end. haha.






`donovan. |8:41 PM|

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 [[]]


i'm feeling bitter.

somehow.



ahh, it'll pass. it always does. just continue working, talking with friends and playing music.


it'll pass.




[endofheartache-killswitchengage::sleepbringshope]
[wakingthemiseryofbeingwithoutyouanothereternity]
[seekmeforcomfortcallmeforsolace]
[i'llbewaitingfortheendofmybrokenheart]


`donovan. |12:21 AM|

Sunday, February 13, 2005 [[]]


there's something about the magic of music. and how it connects with one's heart and soul. and how it distract's one from one's problems/stress/chaotic thoughts.

love my piano for its final fantasy / classical pieces.

love my guitar for its power chords.

music. is. simply.


lustruos.


v. day tomorrow. good luck to the people who wish to spit out whatever they've been harbouring in their hearts for so long to the guy/girl they like. you're gonna need it people.


`donovan. |7:38 PM|

Saturday, February 12, 2005 [[]]


heya. i've never had to walk so long in one day for a long time like i did today! i spent the previous night at louis's. Woke up to go to sentosa to walk around and check out scenery. After walking around barefoot (because i forgot to bring my slippers and was wearing shoes, and sand sux) for a hell long time, we adjourned to ivan's home in harbourfront for drink and to recce HIS place for council bbq. oh and his mom gave jean, kai pin and me each 20 bucks for ang pao money! omg, didn't expect that at all man, though that certainly rawks! kai pin needed to do some vday shopping, so although i wasnt intending to get anyone anything, i decided to follow him and get some stuff too. candy mostly, to give to people if they gave me anything, which though, i think is highly unlikely. i'm not like the most popular in school haha. spent 2 or 3 hours walking around in town getting gifts and candy and checking out for clar some prices of stuff. now i'm home and i'm dead beat.

my poor legs.

[can you take it all away, this pain you gave to me]


`donovan. |8:45 PM|

Friday, February 11, 2005 [[]]


What is literature to you? Or, is the notion of literature misconceived?


This is without a doubt an interesting question. Let me start by first defining the parameters of the definition of literature, or at least, the parameters as I see it. A lot of people will think about poetry, prose, plays and sonnets when one mentions the word "literature". That is the definition of literature, but not necessarily what literature is. So, when I further ask them what they think literature is, beyond the physical definition of what literature is, most of them do not understand me and become confused. Some say "Oh, that subject you need to study for? It is English at a higher level, that's all." Some, however, have mentioned that literature is an outlet, an art to be appreciated. I tend to agree with these people. Firstly to me, in terms of physical definition, literature is a piece of literary work that engages one's heart and soul. This would apply to poetry, prose, plays, etc, but most definitely not to telephone directories. That said I see such pieces of literary work as a form of escape.

The author when he writes, he pens down his feelings or thoughts. He makes us, the readers, see what he wants us to see which usually is influenced by his own opinions and feelings. Bearing that in mind, to him writing is a form of an outlet, a form of escape, if you will, for his opinions, feelings and creativity. When we read literature, we see the events unfold or opinions expressed as the author wills it because through writing, the author has expressed himself. That outlet is what allows us readers to see past the writing into the writer and what he is thinking about. For example, when I write poetry, I let my inner feelings escape and they come out through the verses I pen down. Literature releases me and my pent-up feelings, all of which are penned down for others to read and experience. This brings me to my next point about how literature affects readers.

This "escape" is not just one-way though. It also applies to us readers. When we pick up a literary work, whether it is a verse from the epic poem Beowulf, an Act from Julius Caesar or a paragraph from The Three Musketeers, we can escape from our current reality into that of the author's. Through literary works, we can journey to places near and far, times ancient and advanced and experience cultures and read the minds of different people everywhere. Literature gives us the freedom to escape from our reality and if only for just the period we read, into fantastic places we might never get to visit or relive. When we read, we are not bound to whom we are. We get to become a villain, or a swashbuckling hero. We get to play the protagonist, or we become helpless spectators in a tragedy. Literature, by releasing us from our surroundings into a fantastic world, lets us escape our rigidity of everyday life and experience horror, fear, helpless anxiety, happiness, relief, elation and so much more in just the span of a few pages with words printed on them.

To me, literature is wondrous. The magical construction of sentence structures, with words laced inside to induce feelings and new experiences for writer and reader brings to both escape and enlightenment. To me, literature is, and forever will be, freedom for the heart, soul and the mind. And that freedom granted to us through the mere power of words in literature is in itself, a work of art that science can never achieve.



lit s paper at 1.45am in the morning the night before a long school day with cca. =| haha.


`donovan. |1:39 AM|

Thursday, February 10, 2005 [[]]


HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR PPL!

though, this CNY sux for me cause not going anywhere or doing anything, with all my relatives in malaysia and me stuck in singapore. haha.


i'll be ok.

i think.



as always, friendship comes first. don't worry, got my priorities straight. =)

btw, my tagboard's like, stagnant. *nudge, nudge. you visitors know what to do... after all, i DID wish you all a happy CNY right? haha, say hi la!


`donovan. |1:32 AM|

Tuesday, February 08, 2005 [[]]


i'm trying to pick up the pieces still. i wont deny i wanted a chance, though not now, not in the near future. but damnit i wanted a chance. to be all self sacrificial and say "yeah, it's alright. i didn't want one anyway", i can't say it again. not after what i went through the last 2 to 3 months. your words last night didn't help really. no chance at all?














guess not.













this is hard. getting over you in that way. aarrrgh. to kill a part of me.






chant this mantra: "friends come first." over and over. and over. and over. and over.


damnit.



help. =(


`donovan. |6:11 PM|

Monday, February 07, 2005 [[]]


the deed is done and i breathe easy now. though, i can't help but wonder about the consequences of my actions... i guess, between the devil and the deep blue sea huh. on one hand, i can't hold it in anymore, it ain't fair to me either. but on the other... i may have really screwed things up. i hope not.

to her: forgive me? i really couldn't have gone on like this much longer. and i think what we have is really great as it is for now. maybe it might get better if you so choose to take a certain path in the future, or it might not. i won't know. but, good friends still? =)

i guess these lyrics apply in a certain way, though i hope no one reads too much into it. its just one particular side of me showing, which i really should be restraining and burying more. sorry. just lemme express my feelings this once, instead of covering it up. i expressed enough today anyway, a lil more aint gonna kill no one. i hope.

I will love you more than that
I wont say the words
Then take them back
Dont give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

i think you understand it when i say i mean what i just typed in the lyrics up there, and yet i don't in a way. this is my stand, true, but friendship's more important to me. now, anyway. take care yeah? =|



funny how this turned out. never expected it to happen. fate? or contrivance? haha, hard to say. the lines blur between the two of them so much sometimes. damn literature.





finito.

`donovan. |8:43 PM|

Sunday, February 06, 2005 [[]]

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you met me?

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

-//true.ryan.cabrera

~~~

i feel quite disconnected from it all tonight. i'm becoming an automaton. i feel disconnected from my friends, like either i don't wanna disturb them, or they're faraway and not connected to me at all.

there's school.
there's last minute homework.
there's people to talk to in class. they help me pass time.
there's council after school.
there're meetings.
there's paperwork. i do 'em.
there's the 1 hour ride home.
there's my ipod mini.
there's the computer, which even now i'm being restricted to use.
there's the phone, but who really calls me? and even if i call others, they don't seem to symphatise much.
they're too faraway, or i don't wanna disturb them, or they downright just aren't there with me.
there's work to do at home.
there's my blog.
there's my room.
there's my bed.
there's my sleep.


there's the next day.

again.

`donovan. |9:41 PM|

Saturday, February 05, 2005 [[]]

i only have 30 mins on the comp. so i'll make it quick.

yesterday: big argument with parents. ended up on very bad terms with them. shan't go into details. but my internet time's reduced to 30 mins everyday indefintely. oh bravo.

today: fencing competition. improved because didn't get eliminated in qualifying round. however, got raped in round 1 by ITE guy. who was: big. long legged. long armed. and used a french grip. and me not going for trainings didn't help as i don't know how to counter long armed guys. who lunge alot. so got screwed. 4-15. not nice. feel very bad now. feel very angry now. only have 5 mins of internet left. god help me, alot of things not going my way now. shit. help.

`donovan. |11:11 PM|

Friday, February 04, 2005 [[]]

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide

Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down

We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay
It's okay

-//empty.apartment.yellowcard

`donovan. |8:14 PM|

Wednesday, February 02, 2005 [[]]

i'm too dependent on others, on externals to define me, who i am and how i feel. and goddamnit, it sucks when the fact whether you're up or down depends on others, on your friends, and on what happens to you. lemme share how i came to this conclusion.

firstly, xcountry. i started off strong, and well, was winded halfway through the forest and goddamnit, i started to blame the fact that i strained both my thighs the day before and thus was handicapped, but let's face it, i'm just damn delusion. yeah, great donovan: you've a timing of 10.18 for your 2.4! but look, 2.4's a different ballgame from a cross country run at macritchie of 5.2 km. you rested on your laurels and didn't train and now you deserve your lousy timing and position. heck, i'm so far back i don't even HAVE a timing or position. i could blame the fact that i'm such a nice guy and slowed down to encourage people along the way who were walking/injured. people like jon chan, gughan, shamus, joel even. i ran with joel all the way from the forest onwards when he slowed and said he had a leg pull or something. i asked him to fall out and see the teacher but he wanted to finish the damn run so i kept with him and paced him slowly so that we would have strength left to sprint. i could blame the fact that i fell behind on me being such a nice guy. or i could face up to reality and think that if i had gone on with the speed i set so that i won't fall behind at first in the forest that i would have been so winded by the time i hit the road, i wouldnt have been able to keep up that speed along the highway and later sprint at the end to get a good timing/position. let's face it i mean, i probably sucked because well, i sucked. there. enough hiding behind people and things donovan. so i sucked for xcountry. and i'm beating myself up over it. i let it affect me. i let a lousy event affect me.

secondly. when xcountry finished, louis didn't wanna go home straight. said he had some business to attend to with someone. and well, given how lousy i felt, i didn't wanna go home straight. and this time louis looked serious that he needed to do this. and well, i just felt crap that part of me wanted him to just follow me back or at least lemme along with him, another part reminded me of the sacrifices he made for me last time when i wanted privacy, when i wanted him to wait for me after school, when i asked for this and that. so yeah, i can't believe that my emotional state is so freakin tied to my friends. just cause he needed to do his thing, i felt that yeah, "shit la. now have to go home alone. and i don't even wanna go home. shit la." c'mon man, how selfish can you get donovan? looks like i really gotta rethink how much i take from others and give them back stuff in my friendships and other relationships. and shufang asked me to go along with them to get their bags in clarrisa's house in bishan, but just didn't feel like la, didn't feel comfortable around them.

<sub>Just watching in the sun
All of my helplessness inside
Pretending I dont feel misplaced
Its so much simpler to change

Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
Its so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

i'm sick of this. living in the shadow. i'm gonna have to close this chapter yeah, but i wanna do it right. i'm sick most of all, of tying my emotions to you. you have NO idea what personal hell i go through with conflicting responsibilities, hanging on every word. bloody hell. enough is enough.</sub>

most of all, i'm sick of tying my emotions and state of how i feel to externals, to things that happen to me, to people around me. shit man, why can't i be satisfied or happy with whatever i've got? or why can't i be more self-less to friends? why can't i be strong inside, instead of loking for support outside? questions, questions, questions. and so few damn answers. most all, i'm sick. of me. of how i take things. of who i am. who appreciates what i do for my friends so i hav ethat support circle outside? do i even appreciate what i do for myself when i train, when i go for extra stuff, when i study, when i join NYAA, council.

i guess i'm just bitter tonight. i don't really know why, maybe it's just everything building up and piling up and just exploded tonight. so yeah. maybe i'll get over this with no change to my character. or not. maybe i'll just change character so that i won't get so tied to external stuff that happens to me. or not. i don't know anything anymore tonight. i need affirmation. eerm, no. that would actually come from friends, and that's me being reliant on friends for support again. don, you weak minded/hearted fool.

`donovan. |7:50 PM|

Tuesday, February 01, 2005 [[]]

heeey. gawd, these thighs are killing me. at first jeremy suggested a bright idea, hey why don't we take our NAPFA after school today instead of thursday, when it's after the x-country. so i said, yeah, why not. so they helped me try to get my standing broad jump alright. my first few tries were like hitting 200, 200 over to 210. so that wasnt that bad. but they kept asking me to jump more to practice! and when michael tan came to test me, i jumped. A. Wonderful. 195. Bravo. you can all start clapping now. not to mention, after that stunt and my other stations, my thighs are so tired i can't even climb the stairs now! it's like, i get cramps trying to do that. thank god that although i live on the 20th floor, i thank god for the lifts. oh blessed lifts. and that my classroom's only on the 3rd floor, unlike t19, 20! muhahahahahaah. unlucky poor souls on the 5th floor.

jeremy entered the whole class into competitive. i think we're screwed.


_{"take me over when i'm gone. take me over make me strong. will they burn for me?}

`donovan. |7:01 PM|