Wednesday, February 02, 2005
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i'm too dependent on others, on externals to define me, who i am and how i feel. and goddamnit, it sucks when the fact whether you're up or down depends on others, on your friends, and on what happens to you. lemme share how i came to this conclusion.
firstly, xcountry. i started off strong, and well, was winded halfway through the forest and goddamnit, i started to blame the fact that i strained both my thighs the day before and thus was handicapped, but let's face it, i'm just damn delusion. yeah, great donovan: you've a timing of 10.18 for your 2.4! but look, 2.4's a different ballgame from a cross country run at macritchie of 5.2 km. you rested on your laurels and didn't train and now you deserve your lousy timing and position. heck, i'm so far back i don't even HAVE a timing or position. i could blame the fact that i'm such a nice guy and slowed down to encourage people along the way who were walking/injured. people like jon chan, gughan, shamus, joel even. i ran with joel all the way from the forest onwards when he slowed and said he had a leg pull or something. i asked him to fall out and see the teacher but he wanted to finish the damn run so i kept with him and paced him slowly so that we would have strength left to sprint. i could blame the fact that i fell behind on me being such a nice guy. or i could face up to reality and think that if i had gone on with the speed i set so that i won't fall behind at first in the forest that i would have been so winded by the time i hit the road, i wouldnt have been able to keep up that speed along the highway and later sprint at the end to get a good timing/position. let's face it i mean, i probably sucked because well, i sucked. there. enough hiding behind people and things donovan. so i sucked for xcountry. and i'm beating myself up over it. i let it affect me. i let a lousy event affect me.
secondly. when xcountry finished, louis didn't wanna go home straight. said he had some business to attend to with someone. and well, given how lousy i felt, i didn't wanna go home straight. and this time louis looked serious that he needed to do this. and well, i just felt crap that part of me wanted him to just follow me back or at least lemme along with him, another part reminded me of the sacrifices he made for me last time when i wanted privacy, when i wanted him to wait for me after school, when i asked for this and that. so yeah, i can't believe that my emotional state is so freakin tied to my friends. just cause he needed to do his thing, i felt that yeah, "shit la. now have to go home alone. and i don't even wanna go home. shit la." c'mon man, how selfish can you get donovan? looks like i really gotta rethink how much i take from others and give them back stuff in my friendships and other relationships. and shufang asked me to go along with them to get their bags in clarrisa's house in bishan, but just didn't feel like la, didn't feel comfortable around them.
Just watching in the sun
All of my helplessness inside
Pretending I dont feel misplaced
Its so much simpler to change
Its easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
Its so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
i'm sick of this. living in the shadow. i'm gonna have to close this chapter yeah, but i wanna do it right. i'm sick most of all, of tying my emotions to you. you have NO idea what personal hell i go through with conflicting responsibilities, hanging on every word. bloody hell. enough is enough.
most of all, i'm sick of tying my emotions and state of how i feel to externals, to things that happen to me, to people around me. shit man, why can't i be satisfied or happy with whatever i've got? or why can't i be more self-less to friends? why can't i be strong inside, instead of loking for support outside? questions, questions, questions. and so few damn answers. most all, i'm sick. of me. of how i take things. of who i am. who appreciates what i do for my friends so i hav ethat support circle outside? do i even appreciate what i do for myself when i train, when i go for extra stuff, when i study, when i join NYAA, council.
i guess i'm just bitter tonight. i don't really know why, maybe it's just everything building up and piling up and just exploded tonight. so yeah. maybe i'll get over this with no change to my character. or not. maybe i'll just change character so that i won't get so tied to external stuff that happens to me. or not. i don't know anything anymore tonight. i need affirmation. eerm, no. that would actually come from friends, and that's me being reliant on friends for support again. don, you weak minded/hearted fool.
`donovan. |7:50 PM|
