if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Saturday, April 30, 2005 [[]]


donovan wants alot of things. let's see. not in order of importance.


1) peace of mind and heart
2) new ipod mini - my old one K.O.-ed on me. hope apple will replace a spanking new one for me!
3) new handphone - motorola razr v3
4) new songs that i wanna discover
5) a muse for my poetry writing competition
6) sense of direction for my future
7) straight As and win awards for my A levels
8) more money to spend =)
9) new bag (aiming for billabong or crumpler probably)
10) recognition
11) that special her
12) napfa gold


i want alot of things huh. ah well.



also, now that cheryl's got her own mini now, suddenly, with myown mini out of action and scratched and all, i feel an inferiority complex. like she would say, "sheeeet".


`donovan. |12:04 AM|

Monday, April 25, 2005 [[]]


Faith full of holes
And Empty Promises
Are all that they had for you
Trade flesh and bone
For dirt all white crosses
To this earth we commit you

This is not goodbye
This is just a kiss before you die
This is not goodbye
Take my hand and close your eyes

Now hold on
To everything
You thought that they had for you
Life Love
And eternal grace
I won't forget you

And show me
You're not afraid to die
Show me
Show me
You're not afraid

Close your eyes
Here's a kiss
Before you die

And show me
You're not afraid
Show me
Show me
And show me
You're not afraid

-//yours.truly.blindspott




you and i ;
we've been thru this much.
officially, there is nothing.
but emotionally,
there is enough to scar for life.
funny,
to the world, we are strangers.
we walk by without a second glance.
but you know there was much more
than that.

- cheryl lee
2005






`donovan. |9:03 PM|

Sunday, April 24, 2005 [[]]


ripping of plastic coverings to get to the stuff beneath.

talking.

getting bitten.

spying strange girdles extending outta buildings.

spying big scary looking birds far away on building tops.

music on the go.

sleep on the bus.

reminisce at macs.

peeing chilli packets and real mayo.

penal ice cream cones.

dental tasting water.

a good start?






<sub>(She is the one), but I have a purpose,
(she is the one), and I have to fight this,
(she is the one), a villian I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,
and every bone I break, it's all for you.
And my worst pains are words I cannot say,
still I will always fight on for you.</sub>


`donovan. |5:19 PM|

Thursday, April 21, 2005 [[]]


i wish i could be, every little thing you wanted.


all.



the.



time.


things just feel crappy i guess. so hard to deal with emotions. with past people. hah. what if i'm unsure of the present. of my feelings. what if i still have difficulties coming to terms that things never worked out because i'm still confused and feelings never really went away? and that's just with one girl.



the other: i'm still here. was always here. and i never disappeared. i still walk past your class. i still hang out at the grandstand. but i don't bother to go out of my way to say hi anymore. i'm not angry. on the contrary: i'm sad. and happy, ironically. it's just that you're right: things did change. you asked me the same question before, before when i hurt you with the distance i imposed. things change. because when we talk, i don't feel good anymore after talking. it was like we just knew what each other were thinking/gonna say. and we had fun, just talking till late remember? maybe i'm being too wistful here, but when we talk now, we still understand each other. but it just doesn't feel like we're kindred spirits anymore. on the contrary. twice we talked on the phone or sms, twice we ended up fighting / on a bad note. why? i don't know. ask yourself that i guess. i remember i said i changed around march. when i wrapped up my issues and tied up loose ends then. i remember i said i was more calm. more accepting of what shit life throws me. and that i don't react so often to life's taunts. and now you say you've also reached an equilibrium of sorts. that you're happier.

i'm happy you're happy. and i'm happy if you find happiness with him. you know who. and i'm sorry that i've let you down last time. cause you really meant alot to me. i just never noticed it. and me being the arse i am, i never cherished your friendship. but what's done is done. and what's said cannot be unsaid. and i admit, we both changed. for better or worse, its hard to say ya. but if our mutual understanding and friendship was built upon us both being depressed and angsty, maybe it explains why when we've sort of found a peace in our own ways, our close friendship just cannot go back to where it was? i don't know. maybe it's too late to appreciate you more when you needed it. in any case. i'm still here. always will be. i never changed. much, anyways. love.


`donovan. |11:23 PM|

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 [[]]


I rest my head
Between the bed and the sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind, make it dry

Nothing in motion and I'm satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
Don't want to wake up

Into clear space
Vivid vision, see her shape
At my bedside, beam up my mind please

-//until.i.wake.up.dishwalla


`donovan. |7:24 PM|

Friday, April 15, 2005 [[]]


eh. today was fun playing with henry park primary school kids. my group got red colour band, so we named ourselves pyro (thanks to yours truly, haha). they were a cool bunch la, some quite on, some just willing to let others lead. had fun playing games with them today. hmm, one of them actually reminded me of how i was when i was younger. she was quite enthu, and liked to take the lead. but when things didn't go according to plan or people didn't listen to her, she pouted and got angry or just got sian. flashback: remind me not to be like that now...

crap. only got B3 for PW.. hai.

sad.


=(


tomorrow maybe going out with colin in afternoon, then miah's party in the evening. somehow, things don't feel as nice as they should yeah.


as for my previous entry, i've kinda pulled msyelf together la. thanks anyway to those friends who bothered to sms/talk to me and ask me wassup. so yeah...


am i afraid to try again and get hurt? damn loser la, always kenna bad choice. dunno la, for now, just relac i guess. also like sometimes feel on about it, sometimes sian.



i miss the past. i miss some people of the past. and how i used to feel about them, or how we all were last time, good friends. ah well, can't have things going your way everytime right?







when was the last time things really felt like they were going my way anyway? =/


`donovan. |7:22 PM|

Thursday, April 14, 2005 [[]]


I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
i was confused
and i live it all out to find, but im not the only person wit these things in mind
inside of me
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
nothing to lose
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong

and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
i was confused
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.
so what am i
what do i have but negativity
cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
nothing to lose
nothing to gain im hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today

-//somewhere.i.belong.linkin.park


`donovan. |9:44 PM|

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 [[]]


the wind was blowing hard against me as i walked slowly from the mrt station home. i purposely chose the walkable path instead of the bus. i needed to be alone. from people. from the crowd. to see myself.

my untucked shirt was flapping about like mad. dead stray leaves were flying around. the ipod was playing dishwalla and yellowcard. the sky was flashing like a photographer gone mad. and i was shuffling home. dare i reveal i was hoping lightning might strike me?

i'm tired of life it seems. i'm tired of being me. i used to be like this last time last year. tired of being me. but that was juvenile. i was tired of being me because of how some other people didn't accept / like who i was. now ironically, i'm tired of being me because of how i now treat other people.

i've come to some very insightful conclusions today. it all started with a talk at the grandstand in the afternoon. and it led right up till now. let me begin with the past. it started off like that in SJI: me being a nobody having only a very small loyal clique of friends. hey, no one ever said that that was wrong yeah? but i wanted change. i wanted to be like someone. for those of you who were in SJI, you'll know who pradeep was. in this sense, i placed him as my role model. that guy can make anyone laugh, is anyone's friend in need and essentially, alot of people look up to him. i wanted to be like him. council in cj gave me that chance to go out there and interact. which i did.

so i started off with a very nice goal: to be everyone's good friend. to have some nice words to say about someone to someone, or congratulating them on a recent success, or hearing their problems was a real good objective. which, through my position, i managed to achieve. but somewhere along the way, this got perverted.

i didn't see it then, but i see it now. i placed myself on a pedestral, i was this nice guy to everyone who had a helping hand for anyone who needed it. i was this guy who knew almost everyone in school. i placed myself so high up above the clouds i didn't even realise when i slipped off and fell. good thing i fell back to earth today. true, i always had a smile for friends, advice and helping hands when they needed it and encouraging words if they ever required any. but along the way, i started choosing who i wanted to do this for. no longer did i do this for everyone. they say that familarity breeds contempt. they were wise. i did it only for people whom i deemed could further my goals, or those whose goals happened to be aligned with mine. and when they didn't align with my goals, wishes or mood, well, too bad.

tonight, this entry's dedicated to those whom i've left in the dust. you know who you are when you read this. i'm sorry.

times when i was dealing with my own problems, i never noticed you needed help. i was your good friend goddamnit, and awkwardness be damned if i use that as an excuse to ignore you and not help. i didn't even know you had depression of that extent. and i missed your birthday. what kinda fucked up friend does that. just because i knew you long enough, and that i deemed that your problems could wait, i used awkwardness as an excuse. i used me dealing with someone else as an excuse. i was supposed to be your pillar. instead, i ran from my duties because although i started out with great ideals, i used power to my own ends. and this time, you didn't fit in. it was inexcusable. and your very attitude now is punishment. friends you say? we used to be more than just ordinary friends. to quote you: we were beings on the same wavelength. nothings changed, you say now. in the past, you lamented to me that things have changed. i didn't take that as a wakeup call to attend to good friends. friends whom i've taken for granted. because i became greedy. selfish. self-serving. even now, the closeness i lost, may not even be punishment enough. because it is ironic to lose you to someone else.

another person deserves my apologies. he just takes shit from me stoically. and today, after evaluating how selfish i really was, i found that i've been really an asshole to him. when he needed math help, and it didn't fit in with my plans to study math, i just said i was busy. truth is, i probably wasn't even busy. i just didn't wanna help. and if i can show such attitude, how on earth can we call this a good friendship?

and i suppose the list goes on. i just don't have the inclination to blog it all down here. even now, this very moment, i feel guilty making use of friends to further my cause. all for what? my own selfish wants. when things change, i pick up and leave off, and sometimes good people i used to term my good friends are left behind. so this brings into question why i even socialise? hah. i think now that it's a sham. and that i don't deserve the friends i've got. especially when i make use of them. selfishly. and i forget that they're humans too. they too have needs. my parents always said i'm selfish at home. i don't help take care of the house, i only take care of what i want and need. i always dismissed that as nagging. now, perhaps, it rings truer than ever. they have also berated me for placing friends above anything else, staying up late to talk to them. to listen to their problems. to socialise. to make them feel good. now, looking at my distorted goals, it's a facade more than ever.

so i've come to the conclusion i'm fairly useless, even damaging to my friends' health. so stay away. unless you've come to put me outta my misery. if anyone deserves to be shot: it's me. some friend i am.


`donovan. |8:06 PM|

Monday, April 11, 2005 [[]]


old songs i dig up are still cool man.


Here we are
you'd tell me i'm the only one
that makes you feel love again
there you go
i see you're watching him
when you don't think i know
should i let you go?

So who's it gonna be?
is it him or me?

Who do you love?
who do you need?
you're messing up my mind
wasting all my time
who do you love?
what do you feel?
stop playing with my heart
you're tearing me apart
am i the one who can make you fly up above?
is it me who can take you higher than you're dreaming of?
now who do you love?
turn around
do you really think you'd play me like a fool for you
then i realize when you touch me it's like nothing i have known
could i let you go?

-//who.do.you.love.the.moffatts


`donovan. |9:29 PM|

Sunday, April 10, 2005 [[]]


regarding affairs closer to the heart. i'm confused. am i trying to use anything or everything to distract myself from the past? maybe. i had to fight last time to protect you. from yourself. from him. i had to fight to get msyelf noticed. i had to fight to keep from overstepping the line. i fought too hard. and this is where we are now. lucky things are back to normal. but i'm just through la, through with fighting. with trying. i'm just drained.

now with this. i hate competition. too tired. ahhhhh. but i want this. and that. but i dont wanna work for it.


lazy me huh?




is it too much to ask to be loved? perhaps.


`donovan. |6:51 PM|

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 [[]]


oooookay. today. interesting day. i'm sure the highlight of the day was my birthday, as was evident by the turnout of all the people coming to see my end-of-day-execution. if you wanna skip the whole story and go to the part where i thank friends, scroll down past the big chunk of text. now for the benefit of the people who missed it, ah-hem, like shem, sophie, cheryl, shufang, clarrisa, candice, etc. here's a recount.

the day started out normally, except that as i walk by the classes people started wishing me happy bday. which while is a good sign that people actually KNOW its my bday, its a bad sign cause that means alot of people know. a.k.a. alot of people will know what's gonna happen to me after school. anyway, all through out school, was kinda nervous. people who never say hi to me for some time say happy bday, then smile in a way that makesme uncomfortable. jon chan followed me buying my food in the canteen smiling at me, even with me warning him to back off. later he followed me to the t19 table and smiled again. wah lao.

ok, later i formulated my plan. last period was GP tutorial with ms ting until 1.30pm. so i couldnt pon. no matter. then gughan told me he finishes school at 12.30pm and is gonna camp outside until 1.30. so that makes chionging out not an option after my class. so i left my bag and all in the old council room during break. so i'll be free to run and make a break for it if it came to that. so i came up with this bright idea: why don't i talk to ms ting after class all the way to the staffroom and make a break for my stuff. it was perfect. the army outside my class was waiting to pounce la. and gughan posted guards at all staircases. the only safe way out if not through that mob was the window. but a fall from the 3rd storey will probably kill me. i was desperate, but not THAT desperate.

so i made up some things to talk to ms ting about: my lit s paper. haha and i sauntered through the mob like moses parting the red sea! i walked slowly, talking, knowing all you bungsats couldn't touch me. i had immunity bro! i had guardian angel on! hahaah! and i heard you guys saying "eh, he's zaoo-ing!!" and still, you were powerless. haha. so i followed ms ting to the staff room, then made a break for safety outside the school area. since gughan and jon chan followed me i couldnt get to my stuff. jon almsot caught me at the foyer, but i twisted out of his grasp and ran for the school gate. once outside, i was like safe haha. but i had to infiltrate again and get my stuff. so after some time, knowing that the longer i waited the more the big mob will disperse, i went back in via the PAC way, past the grandstand where ganeshan was sitting. i shouted to him to coem get me but he didn't, just yelled back "dont get cocky". haha, anyways, the side staircase up to the J block, i took that up to the 3rd story, where i peeked around the corner and gughan standing watch at my class area saw me and shouted out. i then ran fo rmy life down the stairs again, this time hiding below the staircase on lvl 1, you know the recess under the sloping staircase. i waited for them to pass then ran back upstairs to check my classroom. my stuff weren't there so i ran back out. on the way out imran yelle dmy name across the block so i doubled my urgency to get out of sight. haha , later i walked past imran's class without them noticing me, crawling on all fours below the level of the windows and ran past miah's class to reach the corridor facing the quadrangle. i crouched there out of sight and waited for an opportune moment to rush down to the SCC to check for my stuff. but miah and gughan and gang were like in the quadragle refusing to move! so i got bored and stood up. and shouted. COME GET ME!

they did eventually. and i made three mistakes then. mistake one: i ran to the J block. there's like no place to hide there la. mistake two: i ran into the toilet, cornering myself. mistake three: when louis and yuzheng looked under the cubicle doors where i was hiding for shoes, instead of like staying calm and keeping my feet there, i hurriedly stood on the toilet seat. which gave yuzheng a clue that i had something to hide. but no matter, the cubicle, though small and easily surrounded, was my castle! no one could breach it without me beating them off first. or so i thought. so they camped outside until unknowingly, Ron came with a coin and twistedopen the lock on my door! i was stunned as it opened la. then i fought abit until they dragged me out. they then half dragged, half carried me to the SCC. where the first of my horrors were to begin.

outside i struggled somemore, making it difficult for them to carry me. they dumped me unceremoniously on the floor and in front of the rest of the people outside at the C block and the quadrangle, surrounded me and chanted happy bday. they then dragged me by my two feet like a sack of potatoes into the room. where i struggled somemore but then they pinned me down. as usual. lemme now recount what they did to me.

a) Pitchfork
b) Fire extinguisher X2 (that really hurt)
c) Knee drop
d) Headbutt
e) 2 fencing epee blades
f) plastic samurai sword for orientation
g) shoe

a full 7 course wassup as you can see, not counting that they did the favourite extinguisher twice. after that i was dead, they lemme down on the floor for a while. before some idiot suggested poling me. so despite my protests (duh) they carried me up and again out of the SCC, and orientating so that i legs were facing the nearby flagpole, they walked towards the direction and about 15m away from the pole, they ran towards it. they poled me 5 times until they finally dropped me on the floor. i then crawled back to the SCC and once inside i collasped on the carpet. someone then shotued tau pok! and i was too dead to resist anymore. so they piled on. until i starting tapping out on the floor because damnit, it was damn pain! like someone punch me in the guts. they finally got off after that. and so there it was. my whole day's activities.

a) ran like mad escaping. escaped capture for good 45mins.
b) they then bought gem of true sight and caught me
c) got 7 course dinner, i mean wassup
d) got poled
e) got tau poked.

haha after i finished, i looked like a maniac. they half stripped my pants off la. wat the hell. i made myself decent again, and sweated like i just went for some 10 klick run. then i went down to the canteen to rest up first and catch up with candice. saw cheryl shufang tini and clar there. pido and ron came after. haha.


alright.. now let's talk about what i got. the guys, i can trust them to wassup me and treat me LAN/dinner and that's their present. haha. i got better stuff from the girls. i got a bear and card from tini! haha thanks! i got a box full of barang barang ( ok la, meaningful barang barang ok? haha) from cheryl. =) thanks. and next time no need to fit a pen inside la. just gimme can le. hehe, someone took all my stationery, left my pencil box empty with only my stapler and calculator. -_-"

thanks t10 for the cake too, it was nice. =) simple, but nice.

thanks to javier, tini and cheryl in the morning who were the first today to sms me wishing me! thanks also to sophie, huishan, candice and terry who msged me later in the day. thanks to rachel who sms-ed me last night even, haha. thanks cheryl for the comment that i'm smart enough to run out. hahahaahahah!

and thanks to all who wished me in person la, too many le i forgot you all. so i guess, here's to my friends, who made today memorable and fun. if only everyday were like this. =) i'll die happy. literally.


`donovan. |9:07 PM|

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 [[]]


wah. today was kinda like a mixed day. get jacked by teachers here and there. but then had good company after school. you guys rock man and are fun to be around. hmm. thanks to yan lin and lynette who wished me like so early today. you guys are the first. =)


pido and the facils who know: please la, stop sabo-ing me. it's not real. i'm just having fun. can you all stop screwing around with my rep? later untrue slanderous gossip like this gets out how? die man. have a care for my reputation la. even if you not buying me any presents *hint hint*, at least gimme that present: your unmeddling silence.


die le. tomorrow must...





As your will is bent and broken
and every vision has been cast into the wind
as your courage crashes down before your eyes
don't lay down and die

'Cause I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you, "Why
You question the strength inside?"
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive

When every wound has been re-opened
And in this world of give and take, you must have faith
And the distance to your dreams stretch beyond reach
Don't lay down and die
No

Cause I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you, "Would
You question the strength inside?"
And you need to know
How it feels to be alive...

-//one.day.remains.alter.bridge


`donovan. |7:41 PM|

Sunday, April 03, 2005 [[]]


Some will learn; many do.
Cover up or spread it out.
Turn around, had enough,
Pick and choose or pass it on.
Buying in, heading for
Suffer now or suffer then.
It's bad enough
I want the fear... need the fear

Cause he's alone (he has become)
He's alone (he has become)

Well if they're making it, making it
Then they're pushing it, pushing it
And they're leading us along
The hassle of all the screaming fits
That panic makes remorse

After all, what's the point?
Course levitation is possible.
If you're a fly; achieved and gone
Theres time for this and so much more.
It's typical - create a world
A special place of my design
To never cope or never care just use the key

Cause he's alone (where have we gone)
He's alone (where have we gone)

Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became
Over and Over a slave
Became

Well if they're making it, making it
Then they're pushing it, pushing it
And they're leading us along
The hassle of all the screaming fits
That panic makes remorse

leading.us.on.vitamin.r.chevelle


`donovan. |6:46 PM|