if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Sunday, July 31, 2005 [[]]


mmmm. i love the feeling of stubbed fingertips from too much guitar playing! ahhh, new school week. damn. 1 more week closer to the As.

the president's star charity. damn poor thing yeah. it started around 7 plus, and until now at 9.40pm they only raised 300 k over bucks. so sad, my dad donated 50 himself. i think that enough protest has been logged over that mr-my-annual-salary-of-600k-is-peanuts-and-i-have-a-dick-face durai issue. dont let real charities and people who need our support suffer because of that arsehole. hai. and what about the blind busker in orchard underpass? you know the one who plays his keyboard and people cringe at the 'noise'? the one people dont give a second look? how many of you people can say you gav ehim spare change or even a dollar or two? bah... you know he's calling the hotline 10 times tonight when he gets home, what about you rich kids with your crumplers, handphones, comfortable 50 bucks a week allowance? get a life man.

on another note, happy birthday louis, sanjay, ben tay, alicia! =)


`donovan. |9:38 PM|

Friday, July 29, 2005 [[]]


As you walk the path of least resistance
Is it as simple as you claim it to be?
Your tongue, your eyes
Your lies, they do decieve you

I stand firm in my solidarity
The path I walk, I walk it with my own resolve
When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

My beliefs are not antiquated
We are the hope
Silence them all with not just words
Let resolution be our voice

I stand firm in my solidarity
The path I walk, I walk it with my own resolve
When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

We are the remnant
We the remnant will silence them all
We are the faithful
We the faithful will silence them all

When darkness falls we are reborn
Our dream since the fall of man
We are reborn

-//when.darkness.falls.killswitch.engage



`donovan. |8:39 PM|

Thursday, July 28, 2005 [[]]


oh. my. god. first time i log into friendster and see the downturned arrow next to most of my friends, which so called indicates a bad relationship with that person currently. while it isn't really true in the literal aspect, i guess it reflects how i've been feeling recently.

this is what my horoscope says: You know what you want, what you're willing to do for it, and you'll recognize it when it arrives. But until then, an act of Congress won't move you. Mention that if a young, inexperienced clerk insists on tailing you.

lol. i don't really believe all those arrows or horoscopes generally, but there's something to it. i'm not gonna sound all so loser-fied here or something, but shit man, this period seems to be a period of loss. i lost my academic equilibrium, now i'm struggling with alot of backdated assignments, homeworks and files to be handed up, not to mention must study for all the future mock tests and all. FOE for mid years is totally screwed up la. i lost contact somehow, with quite afew of my friends in CJ. somehow i just feel i aint talking to them right, if i talk to them at all. just feel that after all the dusts settles and stuff, i'm alone or something. crap la. this just feels like they dont bother talking to me already, or if they do its only for superficial stuff, like they dont give a shit anymore what happens beneath the surface.


actually now that i've written it out it kinda feels stupid. but damnit, if you care at all come up and talk to me la, or tag me, or write me a testimonial, or do SOMETHING. i'm just feeling insecure again.


<sub>here in this diary
i write you visions of my summer
it was the best i ever had
there were choruses and sing alongs
and that unspoken feeling
of knowing that right now is all that matters

all the nights we stayed up talking
listening to 80's songs
and quoting lines from all those movies that we love
it still brings a smile to my face

i guess when it coems down to it...

being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up
these are the best days ofourlives
the only thing that matters is just following your heart
and eventually, you'll finally get it right

breaking into hotel swimming pools
and wreaking havoc on our world
hanging out at truckstops just to pass the time
the blacktop's singing me to sleep

lighting fireworks in parking lots
illuminate the blackest nights
cherry cokes under this moonlit summer sky
2015 riverside, it's time to say goodbye.</sub>



you were never really there. and never really meant for me. but i'll survive. cause i'll try.


`donovan. |6:24 PM|

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 [[]]


hmmm. today was the 30th sc appreciation ceremony, and the 31st sc investiture at night. all i have to say is, after watching terry's video montage on all the things we did before with all the pictures of us, the 30th, i miss your guys already. just think, we'll not get to even work on major projects together anymore. and with us all going crazy tonight at the reception and even during the investiture itself, laughing like idiots at everything, snapping pictures away like we were all hollywood stars or something. all i can say is, to the 31st, there will be times where you guys will love being in council, times you'll find rewarding and satisfying pulling off a major project by working together, times you'll find that the workload in council sucks. take it all, because that's all you've got. for a short single year. to those of the 31st i know: christian, trishia, xiao an, vanessa, hafiz, cheryl, jessebella, christine, graham, jing da, claudio, joshuas, natasha, anne, sarah ... and others i either havent gotten to know yet or forgot, good luck and god bless.

organise some 30th-31st outing sometime soon! some informal thing without teachers, haha.



Let's start out by starting over.
What did I expect?
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks.
But you're so untouchable.
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.
I'm terrible at this, you know.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

And I bet you've got every word I said
memorized in your head.
And you'll use every one of them,
and you'll use every one of them against me.

Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
(Tell all your friends about me)
Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.

I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me.
And realize how many times I've tried, but that's wishful thinking.
All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.

-//lovers.and.liars.matchbook.romance



`donovan. |11:04 PM|

Monday, July 25, 2005 [[]]


and so an epoch ends. while another begins. now, it's no longer our show. it's your show, 31st student council cjc. run it well and leave behind a greater legacy than ours. as i step down, i recall the fights, the hard work, the late nights, the endless people i complained to while i was doing council work, preparing for event after event. the orientation booklet for O1 and 2. the massive planning for orientation 2. the late afternoons spent trashing out the program with mr tan and my other committee heads. the late nights spent typing those programs out. arrgh.


anyway, it's all over. so to those whom i've always been complaining to about the work i do, *grumble grumble*, like rui zhen, colin, james, pido, jeremy, cheryl, louis... and countless others, you can rest now. you won't hear no more complaints from me staying up late and doing council work. haha. in a way, i miss wearing that gold weight on my shirt already...

oh, and i passed my standing broad jump today! hah. you fags, you can stop laughing at me and my 200cm jump (especially a certain someone who brags shejumps 10 cm more than me!) now i jump 227 ok, i've my silver and no need to worry about an extra one month for BMT. wooohoooo! =)


`donovan. |9:09 PM|

Sunday, July 24, 2005 [[]]


lazy mornings waking up at ten. throwing on a cap to keep my standing matted hair down. shuffling to macs across the road for breakfast and sitting alone outside the air-conditioned cafe to my meal. listening to tunes and looking at the trees while sipping tea. rainy afternoons with the pattering of rain against the windows. dishwalla cranking out music to feed the soul.

it doesnt get any better than this. for once i feel great, without having to talk to friends, or go and hang out in town which usually results in dota. even with an overdue gp essay on the idea of a university, or with a lit s paper on a book i cant stand: jim crace - being dead, also overdue. or with an econs mock next week for which i haven't started studying for. or with the iminent coming of the crazy ting's wrath come monday, since i lost matthew's gp file (sorry man, really), or because i haven't found my mc to explain my absence last monday, or because my gp essay is overdue, or because my parents skipped ptm on saturday. hah.

alot of people want me dead on monday. not to mention the people i owe money to, haha been borrowing alot. crap.


but. there's still this. cliched 'i-am-feeling-at-peace-with-what's-happening-now' mood. must be the warm shower i just had. ahhh. great, time to get down to work.



`donovan. |12:08 PM|

Friday, July 22, 2005 [[]]


i hate my teacher. my blardee teacher. she's crazy. that crazy thing.


`donovan. |9:28 PM|

[[]]


hmmm. lets see what do i have on for the next few days.

friday: skip school, at least starting from 9 am till 1pm, to support canoeists for their competition at macritchie. GO CJ CANOEISTS! GO ALVIN! haha, win something man.. come back at 3pm for S paper lit. gotta find time to hand up my 'idea of university' essay and my lit s assignment, due two weeks ago, sigh.

saturday: ptm duty. groan. might dota. will study, somehow, somewhere, sometime. but will study.

sunday: lunch with long missed secondary school friend back from UK, eu jet. will probably go with sanjay. first jamming session with band mates duane, arun and colin. hope we can synchronise guys. and still havent named the damn band yet lol. sunday night, will clean house, again. do homework. sleep.


i've a packed weekend. hahaha.


<sub>Like a Saturday night
I'll be gone
Like a Saturday night
I'll be gone before you knew that I was there

So you wrote it down
I'm supposed to care
Even though its never there
Sorry
If I'm not prepared

Is it hard to see the things you substitute
for me and all my thoughts of you
its eating me alive to leave you
maybe its childish and wrong

breathing in you're skin tonight
quiet is my loudest cry
wouldn’t want to wake the eyes that make me melt inside
and if its healthier to leave you be
may your sickness come and set me free
kill me while I still believe you were meant for me
writing my own words my own little stage
my own epic drama my own scripted page
send you the rough draft ill seal it with tears
maybe you'll read it and ill reappear

-//rough.draft.yellowcard</sub>


`donovan. |12:28 AM|

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 [[]]


<sub>Don't mind if you treat me bad again, I don't care anymore
Life's too short to make trouble out of small things
It is better this way, I'm sort of laid back today
Close my ears when words come flying out, I've heard them all before
With just a lot of hope flushing down the drain, it is better this way
I am going away

I tried and then some more
Instead of dragging the both of us down
Divide separate ways
It's never easy this way, it's never easy this way

-//never.easy.kurt.nilsen</sub>


`donovan. |9:30 PM|

Sunday, July 17, 2005 [[]]


it's hard to describe the cocktail of emotions in me now. relaxation, sated, after a day out with friends. from breakfast with man yun at clementi, to an afternoon of fun with krishnan, gughan, joshua, louis and weili.

disappointment. not just in my results. my life in general. so tied to desires. i desire constant friendship, a reminder of the presence of friends, people who care, who give a shit what's happening to me. i desire material things. i want more clothes. i want more bags. i want my black v3 (which btw i'm spending 600 bucks on sometime during the weekdays next week, ouch). i want. i want. i want. then in terms of disappointment in school. i cannot even fulfill my duties in council, even as it trails off. i haven't finished my SA wing file, after working so long on it. i left my NYAA hanging because mr tan's not happy with my NYAA report and refuses to sign it. sonuva b***h. DISAPPOINTMENT. in all fuckin areas. how about the times i let emotions of theheart rule when ishouldnt have and they've all equaled to disappointment.

ANGER. why the fuck i got such problems at home? can never get along with my parents. i know i'm in the wrong god damnit. but. GRRRR. i can never seem to control my tongue for long when being scolded. then i'll answer back and start a fight i'll surely lose in the end, with more privelages being withdrawn. which spirals down to more anger. anger in school too. at the baseness and shallowness of some people. like wat the fuck man. nevermind. watever some people care to do, or say, or rather choose NOT to care to do or say, i couldnt give a fuckin damn anymore. in fact, i'm gonna use this rage, this anger constructively. in fact, i'm gonna be such an all rounder you faggots will have NOTHING to say. you will be sorry you underestimated me. then at least, i'll have something to say to you, when i'm through. Through with this bullshit.



you will be sorry when i'm through with you. severence and perfectionism will be me now.





`donovan. |9:29 PM|

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 [[]]


wtf. update: i got the F i predicted iwould for math. 18, to be exact. but my econs which i predicted i could get from E to C, got an O! and i got lowerthan shufang who didnt study much and was all nervous-breakdown the night before the exam. oh. my . damn. god.


ahhh.. so O and F so far. why dont my lit just foul up too, and get me a F. then i can get "OFF" grades. bah.



<sub>(And now, for my next number, I'd like to return to the classics)

This time when I feel myself open up
Even though I don't want to
And one side of me says kill her
But that just won't do
So I say we're through
So I say we're...

Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
(I DON'T KNOW WHY)
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
(I DON'T KNOW WHY)

I think it's time to pack your things let's go
To a place where we both know
And don't worry, I'll drive real slow
Spend some time before we go
Spend some time before we go
So I say we're...

Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
(I DON'T KNOW WHY)
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
(I DON'T KNOW WHY)

Get up in your face with a sickness a quickness
Dialect I inject, will we be up tongue kissing all night
To make you feel right
So I say we're through
It doesn't sink in to you, oh please don't make me hate you

But that just won't do, so I say we're through

-//blindspott.nil.by.mouth</sub>


`donovan. |7:14 PM|

Sunday, July 10, 2005 [[]]


wow. next week, i'll get back my results. shit. not looking forward to that, i think i'll repeat my j1 mid year grades of D D F again. for the exact same subjects.


ah well, i've a new haircut! finally some hairdresser has shown me how to style my hair and gel it, because it's so damn curly i can't do conventional styles of spiking. mmmm, i'm gonna experiment with that gatsby soon.


`donovan. |3:29 PM|

Thursday, July 07, 2005 [[]]


well now. after dota today outside, on the way home, by myself since louis didnt come with me, i felt.. ok. strangely. normally, with my ipod playing songs, and me reflecting by myself on the bus alone, i would start feeling all shitty again. but amazingly, when i thought of you, i didn't feel anything anymore. this time, at least. but hey, it's a start! sooo i'm quite happy. that i'm not so affected by this anymore. so you can go on and do what you want, what you need to do. i couldn't care less anymore. because i'm not chained to this anymore. =)

anyway, i got trashed today at dota. lost 2 games badly (p.s. you can thank pido and his gang of assholes for that) but raped one game wonderfully (p.s. you can thank amos for that. lol). ah well, times like these will end soon. strangely, after the game, instead of feeling shitty on the way home also because of the two horrible losses, i didn't feel crap about the game. instead, i feel like i'm ready to tackle work, now that my appetite for dota's kinda sated. so yep. gotta work on wrapping up my council file and get ready to step down amongst other things. also gotta finish editing the damn nyaa report and be done with it.

my point with all that is, i guess finally i've managed to take a small step in terms of recovery from something that started ten long months ago. in a way i regret how / why we met, yet i don't. it's been a learning lesson in how to deal with my own feelings, but a hard one nonetheless. i still have that msg yeah:

"that would be sad, and i'm serious.. if not you'd think i'm this dao idiot. which is prolly most ppl think so."

ahhhh. well, i'm not saying that just because this time i'm not all depressed when i'm by myself that wow, i've fully recovered. i realise that i may lapse again, but hey, it's a small step. and i no longer feel so tied to this. to how i feel i have to respond to everything. even the silence.

anyway, thanks to alot of ppl who've been advising and like coaching me along this period. i just thought that instead of always blogging depressing stuff, i'll acknowledge ppl instead. and not just those active in this, but others who've just by being there helped take my mind off things.

the dota team: gughan, joseph, james, pido, sean, louis, weili, daniel, jun jie, jackson, walter yeo, terry, and possibly others i've forgotten or haven't played with for a long time.

the advice/nag team: joseph, james, louis, derek, sophie, (especially, thanks for talking me through stuff the last few days =] ) shufang, man yun, rachel, huishan. if i forgot you, sorry! but thanks anyway.

the talk cockers in class: david tseng, jeremy, james, danny. you guys make my day man.


and where'd i'd be without my music? =)

addicted - simple plan
highway to hell - ac/dc
can't cry hard enough - williams brothers
element of one - killswitch engage
fine again - seether
how about you - staind


btw, reminder to all reading this. why the hell are you wasting time on the net when...

you should be studying you dunderheads! A levels are only about 15 weeks away! go study la.


`donovan. |8:01 PM|

Sunday, July 03, 2005 [[]]


woo, sanjay helped me restring my guitar back again! my baby's all workable now. i got straight back to practicing, and now i can play the opening riff for broken - seether. and been practicing scales to up my playing speed. and now, my fingertips hurt as i type this entry. ow. ow. ow. and ow.

i've kinda decided, after a nervous breakdown last night, when i called let's see, a record number of friends to see who could talk me through the night and make me feel better. i called, joseph, sophie, pradeep and huishan all in one night. huishan called me at 1.30 in the morning, omg. by the time we finished, it was 2. so i woke up late today at 12. =| anyway, i've kinda resolved myself abit. now that i'm feeling a lil better. just a lil. for now. but since i'm feeling better, i've made up my mind. from now till the As, regimented studying schedules with various study groups after school to tackle different subjects. and if it's not studying, it'll be quality time with my guitar at home. and if it's not that, it'll be some dota in between. nothing more. i need my As for my A lvls. and i need my guitar playing skills to at least become average from newbie. and the rest of the world that doesn't fit in with this: can go to hell. it'll be difficult, but i have to do it. i have to put distractions outta my mind. even if i cant move on from those things right now. i have to put it aside, somehow. it just ain't worth screwing up my As over it. so, wish me luck. i'm gonna attempt the impossible.

donovan koh kah weng is going to try to study.




james is right. shan is right. man yun is right. i gotta face up to reality. do what i can to change what is in my power. what can be changeable. the way i see things. my perspective. what i can actively do to combat this. hope is useless. hope didnt make the great wall of china appear. hope didnt bring home money. i need to change my reality, not my fantasy. face up to it man. hope for the best, but remember reality. reality bites, but reality's what's real. not fantasy. not the past, which you cannot change, no matter what mistakes you did, or what you wished to happen. not the future, because it is as yet unwritten, and anything can happen. let fate rule, because what's yours will eventually be yours. similarly whatever isn't meant to be, will never meant to be. so quit feeling so much. quit hoping for castles in the sky. quit chaining yourself to this. because you dont need to. you dont need to feel so much. and if it wont help things, shut the hell up. dont say a word. because wounds take time to heal. especially deep ones. opening your mouth will just tear it open again. and all the shit will come back. and i dont need extra shit now. i'm like the bird of ill omen, whom nobody should have to listen to. so, shut up. and suffer in silence. carry on with life. because you have to. because you have no other choice. because it's in the best interest of everyone. reality does not equal fantasy. and you dont help things along by daydreaming the impossible. leave that for the poets, the poets who have the license to dream things up. because they've nothing left to lose.

and so peace, for now. hopefully, for a long time to come. living like this, for so long, is madness. pure and utter insanity. enough is enough. please just make the hurt end so i can get on with life. a greater short term pain, to end a longer term lesser pain.


`donovan. |9:36 PM|

[[]]


life sucks. like a vacuum. void. empty. so in times like these, one can only say screw the world. i maybe down and dying. but i'm not giving you the satisfaction of seeing me DEAD. fags. =|


come get some.


`donovan. |12:09 PM|