if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Sunday, July 03, 2005 [[]]


woo, sanjay helped me restring my guitar back again! my baby's all workable now. i got straight back to practicing, and now i can play the opening riff for broken - seether. and been practicing scales to up my playing speed. and now, my fingertips hurt as i type this entry. ow. ow. ow. and ow.

i've kinda decided, after a nervous breakdown last night, when i called let's see, a record number of friends to see who could talk me through the night and make me feel better. i called, joseph, sophie, pradeep and huishan all in one night. huishan called me at 1.30 in the morning, omg. by the time we finished, it was 2. so i woke up late today at 12. =| anyway, i've kinda resolved myself abit. now that i'm feeling a lil better. just a lil. for now. but since i'm feeling better, i've made up my mind. from now till the As, regimented studying schedules with various study groups after school to tackle different subjects. and if it's not studying, it'll be quality time with my guitar at home. and if it's not that, it'll be some dota in between. nothing more. i need my As for my A lvls. and i need my guitar playing skills to at least become average from newbie. and the rest of the world that doesn't fit in with this: can go to hell. it'll be difficult, but i have to do it. i have to put distractions outta my mind. even if i cant move on from those things right now. i have to put it aside, somehow. it just ain't worth screwing up my As over it. so, wish me luck. i'm gonna attempt the impossible.

donovan koh kah weng is going to try to study.




james is right. shan is right. man yun is right. i gotta face up to reality. do what i can to change what is in my power. what can be changeable. the way i see things. my perspective. what i can actively do to combat this. hope is useless. hope didnt make the great wall of china appear. hope didnt bring home money. i need to change my reality, not my fantasy. face up to it man. hope for the best, but remember reality. reality bites, but reality's what's real. not fantasy. not the past, which you cannot change, no matter what mistakes you did, or what you wished to happen. not the future, because it is as yet unwritten, and anything can happen. let fate rule, because what's yours will eventually be yours. similarly whatever isn't meant to be, will never meant to be. so quit feeling so much. quit hoping for castles in the sky. quit chaining yourself to this. because you dont need to. you dont need to feel so much. and if it wont help things, shut the hell up. dont say a word. because wounds take time to heal. especially deep ones. opening your mouth will just tear it open again. and all the shit will come back. and i dont need extra shit now. i'm like the bird of ill omen, whom nobody should have to listen to. so, shut up. and suffer in silence. carry on with life. because you have to. because you have no other choice. because it's in the best interest of everyone. reality does not equal fantasy. and you dont help things along by daydreaming the impossible. leave that for the poets, the poets who have the license to dream things up. because they've nothing left to lose.

and so peace, for now. hopefully, for a long time to come. living like this, for so long, is madness. pure and utter insanity. enough is enough. please just make the hurt end so i can get on with life. a greater short term pain, to end a longer term lesser pain.


`donovan. |9:36 PM|