Friday, May 13, 2005
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i'm quite pissed with it all. you know. life in general. being crappy in ccas. having crappy grades. having crappy relationships with people. being a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none. always a know-all, never a master in anything. so you know what? fuck it all. lemme take this and shove it down the sewage pipe, because this is nothing more than what it really is, a shitty existence. i'm sick. and fed up. with how things are. and i'm too tired to change anymore. so from now on, this is how it's gonna be. if you don't like it, well then that's just too bad. you probably dont fit into my plans anyway. some things i'm gonna have to give up, but that's either because i couldnt give a damn anymore, or because now's not the time to pursue it.
1) no more dota.
2) give up on fencing, for now
3) barest minimum for council. enough of it. just gonna finish my duties and step down.
gratefully. enough of the stupid idiots in it. and enough of politics. power play. and all that bullshit. wonder why i joined anyway.
4) come to terms with the fact that i can play all sports, just that i suck in them.
5) come to terms that i
can play the piano and guitar, only that i'm suckier than others in it.
6) realise that romantic love, as i know it, is dead. and that feelings are to be damned.
i still cannot believe that up till now, i still feel the sting. god, i'm so loathe to think that it might have been, i dunno, love
? i dont know. i just dont know. i'm trying. trying to move on. trying to talk to other people. ever heard of the song i try by macy grey? yeah, i keep falling down. again. i'm not that sad or depressed or angry overthis anymore. but, it's like a thorn in my side. irritating me. vexing me. just because it's there
. each time i see her, it still somewhat feels like the first time. and yet, it doesnt. it doesnt. because i've realised the horrid beauty of this predicament. that i've gone and reached too far. and now i pay. i pay for daring to dream.seriously. other than sucking in most things because i know how to do
everything and master nothing, other than failing in my studies, skipping lectures and shit, other than always easily falling in love and getting myself hurt for doing so, other than knowing how to play dota and cs and all that useless shit, just what the hell am i good at?
please, people.if you have any idea what i
am good for,
tell me. because if not, i'll go around continuing to think that i'm pretty ordinary, useless and a loser in some aspects.
in any case, i've taken this shit feeling and turned it to good use for once. like i said up there, i've listed the things i've come to terms with. and the ultimate i saved for last is that i'm gonna go full steam and study. like mad. and screw everyone else. because at the end of the day, you may put me down now, you may say i suck at this, suck at that, you may say i'm useless, you may reject me, you may slander me, you may be better than me in alot of aspects, but damnit,
I will get the last laugh. because if you're not careful, you're gonna screw your As. and like louis rightly pointed out, all other problems now dont matter. all that matters, is your A level cert. and i know what i want on it. do you?
i await my vindication. one of these days. just wait and see.
hope dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
and roped me in
so mesmerizing so hypnotizing
i am captivated
i am
vindicated
i am selfish
i am wrong
i am right
i swear i'm right swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
`donovan. |7:26 PM|
