if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Thursday, April 21, 2005 [[]]


i wish i could be, every little thing you wanted.


all.



the.



time.


things just feel crappy i guess. so hard to deal with emotions. with past people. hah. what if i'm unsure of the present. of my feelings. what if i still have difficulties coming to terms that things never worked out because i'm still confused and feelings never really went away? and that's just with one girl.



the other: i'm still here. was always here. and i never disappeared. i still walk past your class. i still hang out at the grandstand. but i don't bother to go out of my way to say hi anymore. i'm not angry. on the contrary: i'm sad. and happy, ironically. it's just that you're right: things did change. you asked me the same question before, before when i hurt you with the distance i imposed. things change. because when we talk, i don't feel good anymore after talking. it was like we just knew what each other were thinking/gonna say. and we had fun, just talking till late remember? maybe i'm being too wistful here, but when we talk now, we still understand each other. but it just doesn't feel like we're kindred spirits anymore. on the contrary. twice we talked on the phone or sms, twice we ended up fighting / on a bad note. why? i don't know. ask yourself that i guess. i remember i said i changed around march. when i wrapped up my issues and tied up loose ends then. i remember i said i was more calm. more accepting of what shit life throws me. and that i don't react so often to life's taunts. and now you say you've also reached an equilibrium of sorts. that you're happier.

i'm happy you're happy. and i'm happy if you find happiness with him. you know who. and i'm sorry that i've let you down last time. cause you really meant alot to me. i just never noticed it. and me being the arse i am, i never cherished your friendship. but what's done is done. and what's said cannot be unsaid. and i admit, we both changed. for better or worse, its hard to say ya. but if our mutual understanding and friendship was built upon us both being depressed and angsty, maybe it explains why when we've sort of found a peace in our own ways, our close friendship just cannot go back to where it was? i don't know. maybe it's too late to appreciate you more when you needed it. in any case. i'm still here. always will be. i never changed. much, anyways. love.


`donovan. |11:23 PM|