if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 [[*the moon looks lovely..]]


here i am, at 10.52pm, blogging down my angst and frustration because there's no kindred spirit to talk to online, or to call because it's too late. i should be studying. then again, i should be getting somewhere, should be doing something more, should be this, and that. it always falls short doesnt it.

i looked out of tanglin CC after night study at nearly 10pm and guess what: i couldnt even see the moon. ahh..the sky: something about it just seems to appeal to me aesthetically. i made a new observation today: it seems i'm not good at anything. sure, i suppose i can learn how to do stuff..but i never end up really pro at it. my badminton's average...my soccer's newbie... my promos preparation is like crap and it scares me that it's crap but what scares me more is that i'm powerless to do anything about it. if you've been following my past entries or something, or know me personally close enough to guess what i'm trying to sort through now, you'll know why i feel this way.

i suppose a vast majority of people in CJ are just the 'hi' and 'bye' sort. how many superficial friends do i have: let me count the ways... i'm up to a hell lot. how many true friends do i have on the same wavelength as me: let me count the ways.... i'm still trying to count. so many of my singaporean friends are just living for the moment. its either study now, or play now, or all of the above. no one seems to be thinking what they really wanna achieve in life, what they wanna do, what they wanna be, how they're gonna take steps to achieve it. people who can do this, and talk to me on a serious philosophical level, those are the people on the same wavelength as me. and i just realised there are so piteously few.

how many people do i know because of my cca as a student councilor? how many out of those i can trust as close friends: as people who would take the bullet for me if they needed to. don't bother counting, or answering that question. the answer is hanging in the dead silence of cyberspace as you read this.

who can you trust?

i like to tell myself she doesn't affect me no more. but i lie. i lie to myself alot. and i believe the lies. tell me sweet, lil lies.

lemme list the recent failings i have had:

1) failed to get into OCIP
2) failed to prepare well for the promos and as such, will probably fug it up
3) failed to display true leadership in council
4) failed to live up to the son that my parents expect of and deserve to have
5) failed to choose properly (see previous entry)
6) failed to be honest with myself

and the list goes on and on and on... steven covey talks about achieving private then public victories. hell, i haven't even achieved private victories with myself, how the hell am i gonna achieve public victories and become good at something?

damn it all. the failings. the shortcomings. the isolation of the human condition. the superficialness of most Singaporeans. the flimsyness of so-called friendships. the lousy circumstances. the sordid inability of mine to rectify it even though i know of these problems (and yes, that's an excuse. so there.) damn it all to hell and back. damn you, damn me, damn everybody.

crap-o.


`donovan. |10:35 PM|