if you're reading this, you're either
a) visiting this blog for the first time
b) bored
c) trying to practice your reading skills
d) jeremiah marvelling at his genius
e) a retard who doesn't realise the symbols on the left are links

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 [[]]


the wind was blowing hard against me as i walked slowly from the mrt station home. i purposely chose the walkable path instead of the bus. i needed to be alone. from people. from the crowd. to see myself.

my untucked shirt was flapping about like mad. dead stray leaves were flying around. the ipod was playing dishwalla and yellowcard. the sky was flashing like a photographer gone mad. and i was shuffling home. dare i reveal i was hoping lightning might strike me?

i'm tired of life it seems. i'm tired of being me. i used to be like this last time last year. tired of being me. but that was juvenile. i was tired of being me because of how some other people didn't accept / like who i was. now ironically, i'm tired of being me because of how i now treat other people.

i've come to some very insightful conclusions today. it all started with a talk at the grandstand in the afternoon. and it led right up till now. let me begin with the past. it started off like that in SJI: me being a nobody having only a very small loyal clique of friends. hey, no one ever said that that was wrong yeah? but i wanted change. i wanted to be like someone. for those of you who were in SJI, you'll know who pradeep was. in this sense, i placed him as my role model. that guy can make anyone laugh, is anyone's friend in need and essentially, alot of people look up to him. i wanted to be like him. council in cj gave me that chance to go out there and interact. which i did.

so i started off with a very nice goal: to be everyone's good friend. to have some nice words to say about someone to someone, or congratulating them on a recent success, or hearing their problems was a real good objective. which, through my position, i managed to achieve. but somewhere along the way, this got perverted.

i didn't see it then, but i see it now. i placed myself on a pedestral, i was this nice guy to everyone who had a helping hand for anyone who needed it. i was this guy who knew almost everyone in school. i placed myself so high up above the clouds i didn't even realise when i slipped off and fell. good thing i fell back to earth today. true, i always had a smile for friends, advice and helping hands when they needed it and encouraging words if they ever required any. but along the way, i started choosing who i wanted to do this for. no longer did i do this for everyone. they say that familarity breeds contempt. they were wise. i did it only for people whom i deemed could further my goals, or those whose goals happened to be aligned with mine. and when they didn't align with my goals, wishes or mood, well, too bad.

tonight, this entry's dedicated to those whom i've left in the dust. you know who you are when you read this. i'm sorry.

times when i was dealing with my own problems, i never noticed you needed help. i was your good friend goddamnit, and awkwardness be damned if i use that as an excuse to ignore you and not help. i didn't even know you had depression of that extent. and i missed your birthday. what kinda fucked up friend does that. just because i knew you long enough, and that i deemed that your problems could wait, i used awkwardness as an excuse. i used me dealing with someone else as an excuse. i was supposed to be your pillar. instead, i ran from my duties because although i started out with great ideals, i used power to my own ends. and this time, you didn't fit in. it was inexcusable. and your very attitude now is punishment. friends you say? we used to be more than just ordinary friends. to quote you: we were beings on the same wavelength. nothings changed, you say now. in the past, you lamented to me that things have changed. i didn't take that as a wakeup call to attend to good friends. friends whom i've taken for granted. because i became greedy. selfish. self-serving. even now, the closeness i lost, may not even be punishment enough. because it is ironic to lose you to someone else.

another person deserves my apologies. he just takes shit from me stoically. and today, after evaluating how selfish i really was, i found that i've been really an asshole to him. when he needed math help, and it didn't fit in with my plans to study math, i just said i was busy. truth is, i probably wasn't even busy. i just didn't wanna help. and if i can show such attitude, how on earth can we call this a good friendship?

and i suppose the list goes on. i just don't have the inclination to blog it all down here. even now, this very moment, i feel guilty making use of friends to further my cause. all for what? my own selfish wants. when things change, i pick up and leave off, and sometimes good people i used to term my good friends are left behind. so this brings into question why i even socialise? hah. i think now that it's a sham. and that i don't deserve the friends i've got. especially when i make use of them. selfishly. and i forget that they're humans too. they too have needs. my parents always said i'm selfish at home. i don't help take care of the house, i only take care of what i want and need. i always dismissed that as nagging. now, perhaps, it rings truer than ever. they have also berated me for placing friends above anything else, staying up late to talk to them. to listen to their problems. to socialise. to make them feel good. now, looking at my distorted goals, it's a facade more than ever.

so i've come to the conclusion i'm fairly useless, even damaging to my friends' health. so stay away. unless you've come to put me outta my misery. if anyone deserves to be shot: it's me. some friend i am.


`donovan. |8:06 PM|